The only thing more glamorous than my glamorous jet-set life are all of the glamorous places I get to go! San Marcos, TX, wha-what? Albany, OR, holla!! Girls dream of growing up to be me. Well recently my travels whisked me off to the lush and exotic city of Winter Haven, FL. If you are looking for expansive desolate roads, delicately sprinkled with more drugstores than you can dream of, 7-11s, trailer parks and retirement homes, then look no further than Winter Haven. The only thing with more girth and grit than the burnt drip coffee sold by the bucket, are the women. Hot. I literally felt like a supermodel the entire time I was there: constantly flashing a dazzling smile for all to see my full set of teeth, and running my fingers through my hair to place emphasis on the fact that it was long both in the back AND the front (covert mullet joke). My third day there, my lack of sleep, long travels, and the Floridians love of cooking their fine cuisine with a seasoning bouquet containing a salt lick caused my face to be puffy and in need of serious exfoliation. Sadly, I came to this realization at 9pm at night, when it was, as I like to say, “dark and rapey” outside. What’s a bloated girl to do? As I looked around my hotel room I spied the coffee maker and a fresh stock of coffee (I try not to make coffee in my hotel room, more on that in another post). Hmmm…I’d heard of coffee facials. I also know that sugar is a great exfoliant, and there were packs of sugar with my little coffee bounty. After a little Googling, I devised a strategy to both make a facial mask AND a hair treatment. So here it is:
The Wiseass Wife’s Hotel Room Facial and Hair Treatment (using stuff commonly found in hotel rooms):
1 single serving of coffee
1 sugar packet
Brew your coffee like you are going to drink it, then set aside the liquid part.
Put the coffee grounds in a little cup and let cool a bit. Add the sugar and mix with a creamer straw. Smear on your face, neck, and boobage area.
Next, take the liquid coffee and step in the shower. Shampoo your hair as usual, then carefully pour it over your hair or, if it will fit, dunk the bulk of your hair into the cup and let your hair slurp up that coffee (blondies, fear not. You have to soak your head in coffee for about 2 hours for even a marginal color change. Even then it is temporary). Let coffee sit on face and hair for 20 minutes. Once 20 minutes is up, gently massage the grounds in a circular motion to exfoliate. Rinse both face and hair. Your skin will feel so freakin’ smooth and I didn’t even need to condition my hair. Moisturize your face as usual. The next day, my skin was GLOWING. See picture of me next day with my miniature horse friend. My skin PRACTICALLY outshines the cuteness of the horse.