Views on Your Kid, From a Non-Kid Owner

Truth be told, I actually like kids. Well, some.

The joke amongst my friends is that I am the anti-kid and everyone knows that CAH and I don’t plan on having any. But I am not a kid-hater, in fact there are a few who I positively adore. I learned a valuable lesson long ago when I thought I was a kid-hater: in actuality, I am a parent-hater. Parents are generally the reasons that the kids act like little a-holes. Not all parents, mind you, but there are a few of you out there with whom other non-kid owners and I have a bone to pick.

I will give you an example.

Just this weekend CAH and I were at a birthday party for the kid of a friend, for which I made the birthday cupcakes. As you can imagine there were tons of kids there and I interacted with a few. The first was a little girl whose mom I already know, having worked with her for a few years. Her mom is adorable and hilarious – a fellow wiseass, actually. She has the smart-ass humor I appreciate. This was my first time meeting her daughter, a cherubic little tot in a tiny batman dress. That interaction went like this:

Tiny Batgirl: Jessica?
Me: Yes?
Tiny Batgirl: Thank you for making the cupcakes, they were really good.

Adorable. I have a soft spot for kids who know how to say “please” and “thank you”. If they can talk, they can say those words. In context. Plus, she gets extra “cute points” for her kickass ensemble.

Interaction two was with some snot-nosed, entitled little offspring of around 5 or 6 years old. I didn’t know his parents, so I can only give my best assessment of them based on what I observed of them. They were impeccably dressed, and had odd, wide-eyed smiles plastered on their faces. Their little rugrat was dressed like he had just stepped off the pages of the Ralph Lauren for kids catalogue. They were overly cheerful, almost weirdly so. My best guess is that they regard his tantrums and outbursts as “creative expression.” We encountered this child as we and another couple were trying to leave the party. The main exit was through the gate in the backyard and this child was standing on the gate, barring anyone from leaving.

Us: Excuse us, we just need to sneak past you so we can leave
Snot-nose: No! I am a fireman and this is my fire pole!
Us: We just need you to move for a second so we can go – we are trying to leave
Snot-nose: No! This is MY fire pole

I was enough glasses of wine in that my filter was low, but had not had so many that I forgot that I was at a function at a friends house, so had to be on good behavior. I really wanted to go find Stepford mom and give her a few thoughts on how she is not making the best of her IVF investment (just a guess) by raising a brat, but I was a good girl and simply exited through a different route.

This kid reminded me EXACTLY of this scene from Everybody Loves Raymond:

So here are my top three despised parent-types:

1. The “I don’t believe in discipline” Parent – I don’t know if it’s because you just have a problem with authority, or, as mentioned above, you think that their bad behavior is their creative expression, but discipline your freaking kids! I’m not saying to backhand them, but when they are acting up in a public place, give them a warning. If they don’t follow-through, get them out of the public place. Don’t subject everyone else to your child’s terrible behavior. Yes, that means you may have to miss things because you took your kid out – but that is what you took on as a parent. And don’t give us that crap about, “If I don’t have them in public, I can’t teach them to behave in public.” If they don’t behave at home, they are not going to behave in public. It has gotten to be such an epidemic that restaurants have started banning misbehaving kids because it is ruining the experience of other diners.

2. The “excuse his bad behavior, he has a learning disability” Parent – Is it just me, or is there a recent epidemic of learning disabilities? I had to hold my tongue when one mother recently told me that they are thinking of putting her 6 year old on Ritalin because they think he has ADD. Why did they think that? He doesn’t like to do his homework. Hey, I’m no kid expert and I’m not a child behaviorist, but I’m not new at life and I am gifted with the ability to reason deductively. 1) I just watched your kid scarf down a shit-ton of sugar and/or carbs, 2) I just heard you say for the umpteenth time that your kid missed her nap, yet again, and 3) You seem nothing but stressed, constantly. You don’t need to be an expert to know that kids need healthy foods, routines and a happy environment. So stop force-feeding your kids legal speed and get your shit together.

3. The “OMG I haven’t slept in months, I’m broke, we don’t have sex anymore, I can’t remember the last time I smiled and meant it, but I really love my kids, but no really, I am miserable” Parent – Actually, this is sadly the majority of parents I know. The weird thing is, these parents usually have more than one kid. So luckily for them, I have the answer that will help them. STOP HAVING MORE KIDS. If I put my hand on a hot burner, I am not going to complain that my hand is burnt and then stick it back on there. That would be insanely idiotic, right? If your life sucks now that you have a kid, its not like some sort of rule of negatives, where having another kid will turn it into a positive. If you really thought that, well, you probably should not be passing along your DNA. Stop it. Just stop it.


The box below is for thought ejaculation. Think safely.

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