Dealing With Your First Marital Lie: No Seriously, How Do I Deal With it?

I’m new to this whole marriage thing. In fact, I did my best to avoid marriage for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t some kind of playgirl with someone new in my bed each night. I was always a serial monogamist, but I was fantastically good at getting into relationships that I knew would someday crash and burn so that I could avoid the dreaded “M” word. I won’t get into the myriad of reasons why I was allergic to holy matrimony, but I was feeling pretty proud of myself for avoiding it.

Then I met CAH, fell madly in love and decided that marriage wasn’t such a terrible idea. BUT JUST THIS ONCE. I mean it – if CAH and I don’t work out, I am going to just be one of those ladies who travels the world and takes lovers. But not so much of an Eat, Pray, Love deal. More of a Drink, Pill Pop, Have Lots of One Night Stands, sort of a thing. (Elizabeth Gilbert, I’m ready to get started on the next book in your series at any time)

but seriously - how hot is my husband?

but seriously – how hot is my husband?

So CAH and I are both new at marriage because, as I said, I was marriage-adverse, and CAH was young. I plucked him off the vine while he was still a little green. I always say it is because I didn’t know he was so young, but in reality, I was hoping to steal his youth essence and live forever….MWWWAHAHAHA

The couple during happier times, last month

The couple during happier times, last month

So when I have major conflict in a relationship, I have two inclinations:

1) Jump out the nearest window and run for it
2) Clam up and not say a word until after I down a bottle of wine and either say everything that pops into my head, or just go to sleep at 8pm and pretend it never happened

Turns out you can’t do that in marriage – it doesn’t work. First of all, the whole “running for it” thing doesn’t make a difference. You’re still married and it is legally binding and everything.

Secondly, drinking a bottle of wine every time there is conflict gets expensive. Also, I’m told, it technically makes you an alcoholic. But drink a bottle of wine every time you are happy, and that is just called a “celebration.” Whatever.

We're always happier with the fishnet filter

We’re always happier with the fishnet filter

I’m not into airing personal grievances publicly, so just like fake names are used to protect the innocent, a fake crime is being used to protect CAH. Let’s just say he broke my Ming Dynasty vase and, instead of telling me about it, he took out a loan for $1.3 million to replace it. But I found out about it anyways, because a) I am a woman and you can’t hide stuff from us for long and, b) he finally just told me because he felt guilty.

A Ming Dynasty vase - shattered.

A Ming Dynasty vase – shattered.

So I got totally mad because, an omission is still a lie, right?? Like, I can’t kiss another man and then not tell CAH, because it is still lying (although he has a total double standard, because were I to kiss another woman, all he’d want is to hear everything about it – make up your mind!). CAH says that example is comparing apples and oranges. But come on, that was a $1.3 million Ming Dynasty vase.

I tell verrrry few people about any conflicts that arise in my marriage. Mostly because I am a very private person, and also because I get that no one loves CAH like I do, so I don’t want to bitch about him in a fit of annoyance, and then get over it, but have that other person be left thinking, “Wow….she married a total asshole, what is she still doing with him?”, and then hold it against him. I mean, honestly, most of my friends and family love CAH way more than they love me anyways, and they should. He’s a solid guy with a lot of integrity, and I just drink and jump out of windows when the going gets tough.

Ok, he didn't Chris Brown-batter me, so that's good.

Ok, he didn’t Chris Brown-batter me, so that’s good.

But given his usual integrity, you can imagine my shock and dismay to find out that he just replaced my Ming Dynasty vase behind my back rather than just telling me what was going on. I wasn’t so much mad at the fact that he did it, as I was the fact that he did something behind my back, which seems so dishonest. And coming from him, that was so out of character. So I texted my Sassy-ass Sister to see what she thought about it, because she is surprisingly objective about these things:

WAW: Calm-ass Husband LIED to me about something he did behind my back with another woman!!!
SAS: Shut your mouth!!! Did he go to Hooters?**
WAW: Well, by “other woman” I mean a bank loan officer, and by “thing he did behind my back” I mean he took out a loan for $1.3 million to replace my Ming Dynasty vase that he broke.
SAS: Oh….well then why are you mad?
WAW: How could he do that and not tell me? An omission is still a lie.
SAS: I wouldn’t be mad at him about that. I can understand him wanting the comfort in knowing that you have another Ming Dynasty vase. He should have told you, but I wouldn’t hold it against him. Did he just forget to tell you?
WAW: No, he said he didn’t want to upset me.
SAS: Well, I’m sure that, being a guy, it hurt his pride and maybe embarrassed him that he could be so clumsy as to break your Ming Dynasty vase.

I’ve seen this girl go Seal Team 6 on guys that she suspected have wronged her, I honestly don’t know where she gets such clarity when dealing with the relationships of others.

My sister, getting ready to confront the bastard who wronged her.

My sister, getting ready to confront the bastard who wronged her.

** CAH’s love of Hooters is widely known. And it’s not for the boobs, it is sincerely for the wings. There have been times when even I was outright ogling a busty Hooters server, and CAH was just face down, elbows deep in a plate of all-you-can-eat wings.

OK, ok, fine. He had the best of intentions. Maybe I’m really just mad at myself for having such a ridiculously expensive Ming Dynasty vase in the first place, causing CAH to feel like he had to go to such great lengths to quietly take out a $1.3 million loan to replace it. It’s been a year-and-a-half of marriage, and I’m sure all you folks out there who have been married way longer are probably chuckling to yourself and thinking, “Lady, this is nothing. Seriously. Nothing. And it’s part of marriage, so deal with it.” Whatever – who asked you, wise married-for-ten-years lady?

Ok fine – I will not jump out the nearest window. But CAH, I am drinking some of your 18-year-old whiskey. And not even straight – I diluted it with lemonade. So deal with that.

P.S. I still love you 35

mmmm so good with lemonade

mmmm so good with lemonade


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