Sorry My Dog is Screaming At You, But Did You Notice Her Crap Smells Like Flowers?

My dog Violet is pretty ladylike. After all, her full name is Violet Josephine Rose – which is a pretty tall order for a dog, but she totally lives up to it. She even watches Downton Abbey. I’m not even lying, look:

Her Dogship is a proud supporter of PBS

Her Dogship is a proud supporter of PBS

I’m not sure why she is so into the show, but she seriously sits there and watches it. I even took to calling her “Your Dogship,” like how Lord Crawley calls Lady Crawley “Your Ladyship,” but I stopped because I was worried she’d misunderstand me and think I was saying “you’re dog shit” and get a complex. Or she’d just think I’m totally dumb because saying “you’re dog shit” to a dog is a little redundant. All I’d really have to say is, “you’re shit” and she’d get it.

There are exactly two circumstances in this world that make my dog stop being a lady:

1) When she sees other dogs from far away
2) When she craps

Some may remember that I mentioned how I got her a bunch of pink poop bags at the Dollar Tree. What I may not have mentioned is that those pink poop bags are flower-scented. Which, of course they are? Why not? If you are going to wrap dog crap in pink, it may as well be floral-scented pink.

For the refined dog, nothing but pink will do

For the refined dog, nothing but pink will do

It is actually quite nice because Violet loves to crap. A LOT. Like – an abnormal amount. It doesn’t matter how much, or what, we feed her. The foster home who had her before we adopted her warned us, and was like, “She poops a lot.” And we were like, “Huh? That’s weird, dogs just poop.”

Not Violet. She poops recreationally.

the wiseass wife

Some dogs like agility, some dogs like to herd, and Violet likes to poop. She’ll poop only once if she HAS to, but if we are on extended walk, she will cheerfully poop two or three times, all over everything: bark, flowers, rosemary bushes. I’m not even lying, I once saw her back up and take aim for a bee. I swear she was trying to shit on that bee! I don’t know what bees have ever done to her, but she hates them as a whole and has launched some sort of mass bee extermination campaign by launching crap-bombs squarely at them.

the wiseass wife

And she doesn’t just hunker down and crap, like she’s getting down to business. She hunches over to poop, and then will take time to sniff the breeze as it passes by her nostrils. Or if it’s raining, she will briefly stick out her tongue to taste a raindrop or two.

Look, it’s just her thing. Don’t judge her for it, don’t make her feel weird. Like your dog’s sooooo perfect.

I <3 Violet, Violet <3's shitting on bees

I ❤ Violet, Violet <3’s shitting on bees

Violet also screams a piercing, horrifying scream if she sees another dog and can’t immediately greet it. Like if the dog is far away, but not coming near her, she emits this sound that is halfway between a drowning gurgle and a rape whistle. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure how a sound like that is physically possible. And others, who do not know her so don’t understand that she is normally a very sweet and loving dog, understandably look on in complete terror when they witness it.

And when we call out to them, “It’s just because she can’t greet your dog, if you’d only come a little closer and let her sniff your dog, she’ll stop screaming,” they look at us like we are bat-shit insane and are secretly plotting to make their dog fall victim to our weird dog and her gurgly battle cry. It probably doesn’t help that we are laughing the whole time. To us, it’s a nervous sort of, “Sorry, we know a screaming dog is unsettling” kind of laugh. To them, it probably just makes us look maniacal. So then we just kind of shrug our shoulders at them like, “Eh, screaming dogs – whaddya gonna do?” and they look at us like, “Please don’t ever come back to this neighborhood with your crazy screaming dog.”

One of these days I’m just going to scream back at them, “Oh yeah? Well MY dog sits down and watches Downton Abbey, like a fucking lady, so WHO’S CRAZY NOW?!?!”

heart to heart

heart to heart


5 thoughts on “Sorry My Dog is Screaming At You, But Did You Notice Her Crap Smells Like Flowers?

  1. omg i was weeping and laughed so hard i could hardly draw breath, so i had to read this to joe and molly. thanks for the human/canine hilarity. there’s a book in here, too 😉

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