I sold my liver to Accutane several years ago.
I know what you’re thinking, “Wait, isn’t it supposed to be your soul? And isn’t it supposed to be to the devil?”
Well technically, yes. Those who know me well know that my soul was sold a long time ago. Like, probably in-utero, since I would assume that the devil can foresee the future and so was just proactive in showing up for my soul:
Devil: Hey tiny fetus Wiseass Wife.
Fetus WAW: What the – are you my twin?
Devil: No, I’m the devil, but close. Hey look..ummmm….I can actually see the future and yours is grim. Like, you do some pretty fucked up shit.
Fetus WAW: Oh…..well can you give me a hint as to what I’m going to do?
Devil: Nah, I don’t want to ruin the surprise. I did check with them upstairs to make sure you were actually supposed to come on down to earth, but they seemed pretty adamant. Something about some young guy you are going to woo into falling in love with you so that you can steal his youth essence and then terrorize him for the rest of your lives by asking him insane questions, like what human flesh tastes like. But, it looks like he’s not due to even be born for another uhhhh….(scanning clipboard)…6 1/2 years. So you’ll be looking for ways to bide your time until then.
Fetus WAW: Oh…ok…so what can I do?
Devil: Well you have two options. Option A is doing absolutely nothing: you’ll meet this guy, fall in love, terrorize him with insane questions until he eventually becomes unglued and retires to an underground bunker in the woods with nothing but automatic firearms and insane amounts of ammo. The kicker is that he is supposed to be the guy who invents time travel, but he doesn’t because he’s now insane, and so the entire course of time and the world is altered, which eventually causes mass chaos, death and destruction, blah blah blah
Fetus WAW: Oh shit. What is Option B?
Devil: You sell your soul to me and I will make sure that his own mom looks ten times more insane than you, so you will seem totally normal in comparison and he won’t feel the need to retire to an underground bunker.
Fetus WAW: Oh yeah Option B – let’s definitely go with that one.
Devil: Good choice.
Then he disappeared in a fiery smoke cloud, causing my mom to think it was just a touch of pregnancy indigestion. But no mom. It was your tiny little fetus baby, making deals with the devil. MWAHAHAHAHA
Back to Accutane. So when I was a young adult I got terrible acne. I’m assuming some sort of karmic payback for the beautiful alabaster skin that carried me through high school. It got bad and I tried everything. EVERYTHING. Proactiv, dietary changes, every skin care collection known to man, peels, regular facials. None of it mattered. Then my doctor put me on a drug called Minocycline, which gave me a pseudo-tumor on my brain.
A pseudo-tumor, for most who don’t know, is when fluid accumulates on your brain and makes it think you have a tumor. It also accumulates around the nerves in your eyes, which causes vision problems. This is how I knew something was up. I assumed I needed glasses, so I went to an optometrist:
Optometrist: So we are going to do a quick eye exam
Me: OK great.
Optometrist: (looking in my eye with that light thingy) OK you need to go to the emergency room immediately
Me: Will that get me my glasses quicker?
So turns out the way they take fluid off your brain is by draining it out of your spine with a spinal tap. That’s right – that is a real thing. Not just a band.
Also, when you get a spinal tap, they don’t tell you that you are going to later puke your guts out. But you are.
So after that little mishap, my doctors decided to finally put me on Accutane. While it doesn’t give you pseudo-tumors, it’s common side effects include: liver damage, high cholesterol, severe birth defects, and SUICIDE! But then I read the glowing reviews and how chronic acne sufferers saw results within a few weeks and was like, “Yes – definitely sign me up for that. Totally worth a dead liver and gimpy babies.”
Accutane comes in a bubble pack, and over every single dose of Accutane is a picture of a pregnant woman, with the circle and slash mark through it:
And I’m not even lying, within 3 days my skin was totally cleared up and glowing. It was beautiful once again.
The thing about Accutane is that it kills your oil glands. Which I guess must have been what was causing my horrible acne. And that makes sense – I had terribly oily skin.
The cool side effect of Accutane that they don’t tell you – you can LITERALLY go an entire week without washing your hair and it does not get oily in the least little bit! If you get a blowout, it looks just as amazing on day 7! Unfortunately that stops when you stop taking the Accutane.
BUT still, it has been 7 years since taking Accutane for a six month course, and I may occasionally get one tiny pimple right before my period, but that is it.
I’ve also developed eczema and increasing joint pain since taking Accutane, and I later learned that Accutane can also cause eczema and arthritis. But to be fair, arthritis runs in my family, so I won’t completely blame Accutane. And I’d honestly rather deal with a little eczema on my elbows and arms than horrible acne on my face. Maybe I’m vain, but I don’t even care.
My only regret is that, as a tiny unborn fetus, I didn’t have the foresight to at least haggle with the devil to include “amazing lifelong skin” in that whole soul-selling deal.