I don’t know much about guy ettiquette, or that there even was such a thing, but apparently it is poor guy ettiquette to name another man’s girlfriend’s breasts.
When the Calm-ass Husband and I were first dating, we were in a long distance relationship. As such, I often went out with my girlfriends without him. One night while hanging with a friend and some of her friends, some random guy who was also there that night complimented my boobs. I gave him a sincere “thanks” and he said that he wanted to name them.
I’ve never had a random guy I just met offer to name my boobs, but I consented on the off-chance that he was some kind of boob shaman and maybe the name he bestowed upon my breasts would be some kind of blessing to them – like when nuns get to change their names to Sister Mary _____________.
He stared intently at my breasts while in deep thought (Oh I get it now, he just wanted to stare intently at my boobs with my permission – genius.)
“That one is Milky Delicious,” he proclaimed, pointing to my right breast.
“And that one,” he said, dramatically pointing to my left breast (there may have even been a drumroll?), “is Horatio Sanz.”
I wanted to point out that, while Horatio Sanz is a fair name for a boob, the other is just a description – even if totally accurate.
When I later relayed this encounter to CAH, he wasn’t as amused as I was. I believe a phrase along the lines of, “Who is this asshole?” was uttered.
But the guy also foresaw that me and CAH would not make it, and we are are going strong, so the joke is really on him.
So today I was searching Twitter for boob hashtags to go along with my open letter to Pinterest regarding their war against boobs, and when I typed “boob” into the Twitter search bar, look who was a suggested person to follow on the left:
And even weirder is that the Twitter account “Annies Boobs” came up, and that is the name of the friend I was hanging with that night.
After giving it some thought, this is the conclusion I’ve drawn:
Horatio Sanz is some kind of magical shapeshifter boob wizard (I don’t know much about shapeshifters or wizards, so don’t know if that is redundant), and that was actually him who named my boobs that night. He had shapeshifted into a skinny blonde stoner and bestowed his name upon one of my breasts, which I think was some sort of tracker spell; like a magical GPS for the boobs. I believe that once Horatio Sanz places a tracker spell on your boobs, you can evoke his presence through social media when you type the word “boob” three times, much like saying “Bloody Mary” three times will make her show up in your mirror. It’s magical.
Just try it.