I recently emailed the Calm-ass Husband a handful of pictures of random women’s vaginas. None of them were mine, mind you.
It all started when I asked him, “Do you think you could pick out my vagina from a lineup? Like if that was all you could see?”
Without skipping a beat, CAH answered confidently, “Yes – I think I could.” I found it endearing, kind of like how they say mothers can pick out their newborns in a blind sniff-test. Also because he is so good at humoring my random questions.
So I informed him that I was going to send him a few vagina pictures and he had to pick out which one was mine, with the catch being that none of them were mine (but he didn’t know that). He gave me a humored nod. How he does put up with me.
Thankfully, Internet porn is so rampant that it was easy to find a selection of vagina pictures.
Note: for those of you thinking you can just type “vagina” into Google and let the selections roll in, no. Turns out simply typing “vagina” will result in medical pictures. Diseased vagina medical pictures. I briefly entertained the idea of sending one of the sick vaginas to CAH and telling him that the whole premise of this exercise was really my fun way of telling him that I caught the Clap. But when you’re married, STD practical jokes are very difficult to pull off because they open up a whole other can of worms. So I decided I better not.
I was particularly taken with one thoughtful young lady, who was nice enough to paint a bulls-eye right on her ass:
She really takes the guess work out of sex.
I sent them to CAH in the morning and then popped up on Google Chat:
WAW: I have sent you a selection of vaginas for your consideration
CAH: You really need to rename emails so when the subject line flashes on my screen I don’t have to explain it
(I had named the email, “Vagina Roundup.”)
WAW: But I sent it to your personal email! Not your work email!
CAH: It still flashes up on my screen
WAW: “Vagina Roundup” could mean anything – like maybe I’m getting an STD test and I need to know the answer to “How many partners has your husband slept with?” and I’m asking you, but letting you know it’s ok to roundup. So you still look like a stud.
He then went on to say he couldn’t look at them until after work anyways because he can’t have pictures of random vaginas on the computer screen in his open office. Whatever, blah, blah, blah.
When he came home he went down to our bedroom to change and, by the time he came back upstairs, he had looked at the lineup.
CAH: Well, for starters, I know you’re not black. And I’m guessing you didn’t paint a bullseye on your ass……
WAW: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I DO ALL DAY!!
CAH further examined the pictures, with the thoughtful intensity of someone considering an extensive wine list.
CAH: I’m second guessing all of them, actually. But if I have to choose, I guess I pick this one (pointing to the very last one) because the other one was taken with a high definition camera and professional lighting and I know you don’t have those.
Again – he doesn’t know what I do all day.
But I was charmed that he had a feeling none of them were mine. That is true love.
I think us crazy kids are gonna make it.
Note: It has been pointed out to me by a girlfriend with extensive vaginal experience (she’s worked in the medical field, she was NOT depicted in any of the pictures) that the vagina is technically inside, what you see during a pelvic exam, and I sent the husband pictures of vulvas. I would like to acknowledge that the husband was in fact sent pictures of vulvas, and not of pelvic exams (although this brings up an entirely new possibility for the next round of “pick out my vagina”). “Vagina” is just way more fun to say than “vulva,” IMHO.