Not long ago I gifted a friend a copy of Adam Mansbach’s book, Go the Fuck to Sleep – a satirical children’s bedtime story that follows an exhausted dad who is trying to get his kid to go to bed. It’s hilarious and a must-read for parents.
The only thing with which I take issue is that it doesn’t land for those of us who have chosen to have dogs rather than kids. So for you fellow dog parents, especially those in urban areas with no yards, I submit my poem:
Please Just Fucking Pee
A love poem for my dog
By The Wiseass Wife: wiseasswife.com
I just got out of bed, and I’d like my morning tea,
It’s also kind of cold my darling, and I know you have to wee.
The clouds are looking grey, and all you’ve done is sniff that bee,
I didn’t put on my rain jacket, please just kindly pee.
The rain drops have started coming down, and you’re just licking them up with glee,
My hair is getting wet you dog, please just fucking pee.
I can hear the thunder booming, and you’re blatantly ignoring my plea,
How is it not scaring you? PLEASE, just fucking PEE!
We are both sopping wet now, and you’re just in a state of bliss,
My socks go “squish” with every step we take, PLEASE! Just take a piss!
Well now I see the lightning, and you refuse to cop a squat,
For the love of DOG, just take a pee, you stubborn little…pup.
My shoes that are now ruined, were more than your adoption fee,
You think the shelter will reimburse me? NO! Please just FUCKING pee!
It is now a torrential downpour, to the house I want to flee,
But no, Miss Take-Her-Sweet-Ass-Time, still refuses to pee.
We are going back to the house, you better follow me,
If it pleases the princess, on the way, maybe you’ll fucking pee.
Oh thank DOG, you’re circling around, this must mean you’ll go,
Sigh, forget it, false alarm, you’re rolling in dead crow.
Here’s our front door, it’s your last chance, I’m begging on bended knee,
Think of waterfalls and gushing fountains, and please just fucking pee.
Oh my DOG it’s finally happening, I see that yellow stream!
It’s a glorious golden puddle, surrounded by clouds of steam.
You are my darling dog, I want to let out a “WHOOP!”
Now let’s go back in the hou- crap. You still have to poop.