I think what I love best about being married to Calm-Ass Husband is that we get each other without having to say much.
For example, we were recently on our way to a restaurant and turned down a street called “Primrose Drive” so I immediately screamed, “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE” and he yelled back, “I’D TOTALLY NAIL HER,” and he totally knew I was talking about Hunger Games and I totally knew he meant that he’d nail Katniss, not Primrose.**
We just get each other.
**Nothing against Primrose, if that actress is reading this. CAH just gets drunk off some junk in the trunk, and Katniss delivers. Also, Primrose is a bit young. Actually, if we’re being completely honest, Katniss is even a bit young given that CAH tends towards older women. But he says, where Katniss is concerned, “Dat booty just calls to me.”
(He did not really say that. How funny would it be if he really talked like that? My parents would hate him.)
Where CAH and I often disagree, however, is TV viewing. While we both love shows like The Walking Dead and American Horror Story, I love Downton Abbey and CAH disagrees with me when I insist that he loves it too.
CAH also thinks my GENIUS idea for a reality show is not that great, so I will leave it to my readers to settle this argument.
Let me introduce you to my reality show, “Can I Poke Around?”.
Every week I will pick a home at random, knock on the door, and ask the homeowners, “Can I poke around?”.
Think about it, how much do people love poking around in the medicine cabinets of others when they are using their bathroom? Well now you can poke around the WHOLE house. Let’s take a look in that junk drawer – whatcha got going on in there? The hall closet? Let me see what you’ve stuffed in there to get it out of your way. Let’s not even get started on what’s hiding in Mom’s nightstand.
And don’t worry, I bring wine to share with the homeowners, even though I’ve had half of it while I was waiting for my camera guy, Chase, to get set up. Fucking Chase takes FOREVER to set up and I honestly think that the only reason he’s still around is because he’s the producers’ nephew and the producer owes his brother a favor.
Life in the reality TV show biz is hectic and stressful.
For the record, CAH wants his own reality show that is also called “Can I Poke Around?”, but he wants it to take place in gynecology offices across the nation. I warned him that gynecology visits don’t consist of a bunch of hot chicks in stirrups with their healthy vajays in the air, and then he looked crushed, so I quickly said I was kidding and made him some hot cocoa.
I can always distract him with hot cocoa.