Wedding season is coming so I decided to weigh-in on life after your wedding now that it has been almost two years since mine.
Spoiler alerts ahead.
After me and the Calm-ass Husband got married, it was weird. Weird because everyone asked if it felt different, and it didn’t. I was fully expecting it would.
The morning after I got married, I did two things:
1. Praised myself for actually having sex on my wedding night when everyone told me that I would be too tired (drunkenly getting on all fours and yelling, “HAVE AT IT” totally counts)
2. Proceeded to remove about 1,327 bobby pins from my hair.
Seriously. I didn’t even have a full updo, how were there so many fucking bobby pins in my hair?
But that was it. I fully expected that, the morning after I got married, I would wake up with cartoon blue birds flying around my head. I’d be wearing a light pink quilted 3/4 sleeve swing robe and a matching pink chiffon scarf around my (suddenly) blonde hair in rollers, and my new husband would be smoking a pipe at the dinette set, reading the paper.
“Hello, darling,” he’d say, in that weird old-timey accent that actors had in the 1950s.
No one ever told me that, in reality, you wake up hungover because, instead of riding off in a limo after your reception is over, your dad will say “Hey let’s go get some shots at the bar next door”, which you will think is an EXCELLENT idea since you’re already pretty drunk and, as it turns out, if you walk into a bar in a wedding dress, EVERYONE in the bar will just keep buying you shots (keep THAT in mind, future brides).
Also, you will probably wake up to all of your relatives texting you to come downstairs and have breakfast already, and your friends texting you to inform you how hammered they got the night before (and you praise yourself for just buying Two Buck Chuck as your wedding wine and soaking the labels off in the tub and replacing them with personalized wedding labels because you knew after a few glasses of wine, none of the guests would care that it was cheap). And the wedding dress that you once took such pains to lovingly protect is now sprawled across the floor like some scrap you found on the clearance rack at Target. And after you apply your makeup to be sure to look halfway presentable when you go downstairs to grab breakfast, you realize that you will probably never again look as pretty as you did when you had on your wedding makeup and princess dress. And allllll of that planning that you’ve done for a year, maybe more, is over in the blink of an eye and you’re just left standing there like, “Well, back to reality.”
Also, your new husband is as hungover as you, wearing the same boxers he always wears.
Luckily he looks hot in boxers.
But, it really feels no different. Because you were already committed to your husband for life. And you already knew you’d love him forever. And he already felt confident that you’d love him through sickness and health, and you already knew for sure that he would stick by you through thick and thin. The only people who are now sure of it, are the people who attended your wedding.
And they, too, are now waking up, hungover from cheap wine, so they probably already forgot.
And after your wedding, you will go out with friends and family for the first time since they saw you get married, and their happy, shiny faces will say, “SO?!?!?!” expectantly, and you will be like, “Soooo…..???” and they will be like, “Does it feel different??” and you will be like, “No not really, other than that when I finally do snap and murder someone, my husband won’t be required to testify against me.”
And you will go on your honeymoon and come back, and life will go on. And not much else is different. And maybe you will try to make it different by calling each other “Mr.” and “Mrs.”, but that only halfway works because he was always technically a “Mr.” Or maybe you will relish in your new legal power and, when he’s blissfully drifting off to sleep, you will lean over and whisper in his ear, “Now it will be my decision when to pull the plug….”, and softly kiss his earlobe as his eyes snap open.
Or perhaps when you do things that annoy him, like throw pinecones in the recycling bin, he will just sigh and shake his head and say, “I love you. I have to now. It’s the law.” and you will be like, “YUP! And I have the paperwork to prove it, you are legally required to love me….FOR LIFE!!!”.
Also, you will go on Pinterest and see all these other brides-to-be, or hopeful someday brides, pinning all these great wedding ideas and think, “Fuck, why didn’t I do THAT??” in a fit of wedding remorse.
But that is about it. You don’t suddenly live in a land of sunshine and unicorns, because you were hopefully living there anyway.
So there is the spoiler alert on your life after wedding. But hey, if you’re lucky, your hilarious new Mother-in-Law, who loves to cut a rug, will own the dance floor with moves that make the entire cast and crew of Dancing with the Stars jealous.