Trader Joe’s Magic Boner Pills: How Trader Joe’s Men’s Daily Multivitamins Will Cause Sleepless Nights

Calm-ass Husband is a good boy. Like – goody two-shoes kind of good. He went to boarding school in England, never really partied in his youth, has never done a drug in his life, and generally did as he was told.

I, on the other hand, was forced by the cold hand of my dictator mother to go to private Catholic school because apparently public schools are “too full of gang violence” and private schools offer “better college preparation,” blah blah blah. I was less than thrilled with this plan, especially given that it was a Catholic high school, and me and the big bald guy in the sky have an equal amount of belief in each other.

I know what you’re thinking, “But God has infinite power, why would He be bald? He’d just give Himself hair.” And now realizing that God can’t control his own balding is making you question your whole belief system, and everything you’ve ever held to be dear and true is crumbling beneath your feet.

Relax, that is the devil talking. God is not having male pattern baldness. He Bics it. For the ladies.

To give you an idea of my how my young mind worked at the tender age of 14 (which will also give you insight on how I got to be the way that I am now), I walked into my first day of school at this private Catholic institution and saw a note on the door to the science lab that said, “Jesus, please fix the science room faucets – they’re leaking.”

I immediately thought to myself, “Holy shit, they pray for EVERYTHING here!”.

It wasn’t until later that I learned that our mexican janitor’s name was Jesus.

Since I went to  private Catholic school with kids who had a lot of financial means, too much time on their hands, and minimal supervision, we did a shit load of drugs  I learned a lot about the drug culture through casual observation and careful avoidance.

Where is this all going?

Well lately the Calm-ass Husband has been cutely using the term “sticky icky” when he’s referring to something sticky. It sounds adorable falling from his innocent, supple lips. But because my high school had an abundance of drugs which we did constantly behind the church a good health curiculum, I am more familiar with drug terminology than CAH and I don’t have the heart to tell him that “sticky icky” is a pot reference.

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, they totally taught the term “sticky icky” in health class. They also taught us Grand Daddy Purp, turf, Biznack, rachet jaw, H Bombs, and Disco Biscuits. It was a very progressive health class and I’m frankly not completely convinced that some of those nuns didn’t confiscate drugs from the students purely to give themselves something to do later when they were kicking back at the nunnery.

Mom is so proud of all the money she invested in tuition for my private Catholic high schooling. But hey, I’m not in a gang!

Sadly, I am now old and my days of partying it up and having fun are long gone. Disco Biscuits have become multi-vitamins. Which leads me to my new discovery.

Bonerific

Bonerific

Trader Joe’s Men’s Daily Multivitamins. AKA: Trader Joe’s Boner Pills!

I started giving these to CAH because, now that I’m his wife, I have a new interest in things like, “cholesterol” and “prostrate health.” I cannot yet vouch for what these pills are doing for his cholesterol, but let me tell you about the most amazing side effect we discovered. Rather, you can read about it in the letter I wrote to the Trader Joe’s feedback email address:

Dear Trader Joe’s,

I bought my husband your Men’s Daily Multivitamin in the vain hope that I could convince him to throw one down his gullet when he remembered. He is terrible at taking pills, you see, and being newlyweds, I didn’t want to nag too hard. We wives like to gradually add the nagging a bit at a time, so as to ease our husbands into it.

Well, my husband has been taking your Men’s Daily Multi vitamins for two weeks now and, I don’t know what kind of magic super stud potion you all concocted over there, but ever since he’s been taking them regularly my husband has been, um, “Pitching tent” right and left. Much more so in the last two weeks than in the four years that we’ve been together. Needless to say, I don’t have to push him to take the vitamins now – he happily takes them on his own.

I can’t thank you enough. Seriously. Whatever mixture you have going into those pills, don’t stop. It is perfect as is. My only regret is that I didn’t get him those vitamins two months ago when I was reading the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. I vote that you change the name from “Men’s Daily Multi Vitamin” to, “Trader Joe’s Magic Boner Pills.”

Thank you again.

Love,

a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very happy wife.

I’m disappointed to note that Trader Joe’s has not gotten back to me on my rebranding idea, and I’ve noticed in the stores that the pills are still called Men’s Daily Multivitamins.

It’s a shame, really, because I do believe that they’d see an uptick in sales if they were to go ahead and rename them Trader Joe’s Magic Boner Pills.

P.S. CAH usually proofs these but I decided to not have him do so this time because he’d probably talk me out of this post, just like he talked me out of the one where I rattled on about how my vajay is my best feature. I want this post to be just as much of a surprise to him as it is to all of you. It keeps our marriage interesting and non-boring. Also, I think he dies a little inside every time I press “publish.” So here I go……

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Trader Joe’s Magic Boner Pills: How Trader Joe’s Men’s Daily Multivitamins Will Cause Sleepless Nights

  1. Pingback: Vagina Fun Facts From Florida Friday | The Wiseass Wife

  2. Pingback: So Apparently if You’re a Woman Trying to Buy Chemicals, You Must Be Trying to Kill Your Husband | The Wiseass Wife

  3. Damn, you are funny!

    Anyway, I came searching to this post because I take the same pills, well, for boners as well, and must admit that they have worked.

    I am assuming that you already know this, but it is the zinc that does the trick. It is supposed to increase amount of Testosterone produced, thus, improving libido and making erections better.

    What no one on the web is talking about is if these pills cause bloating, because that is one side effect that I do not like. I wonder if you could ask CAH if he has experienced this.

    Nice blog!

The box below is for thought ejaculation. Think safely.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s