In Defense of Soldiers, Morphine, and Uzette Salazar: With No Apologies to the Extremist Feminists

Disclaimer: I have no problem with most feminists. Just like I have no problems with most religions. I do, however, have a problem with anyone who takes their beliefs to the extreme, like Westboro Baptist Church. Note that when I am speaking of “the feminists” below, it is the extremists. Those who see the world, and everything that happens within it, through man hating, feminist-tinted glasses.

I had morphine once a few years ago and it was UH-MAZING!

That was back when the Calm-ass Husband was my Calm-ass Boyfriend and we were doing a long distance relationship while he was off at school getting claws sunk into him by a simple midwest girl who looks like a pug dog his Master in City and Regional Planning, which is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

He had to rush me to the emergency room one weekend while visiting because I had terrible pain in my back, which turned out to be a raging urinary tract infection. They gave me morphine almost right away and, once the morphine was on board, words just started falling out of my mouth with absolutely no filter.

“You’re really pretty,” I purred to the nurse, who was inserting an IV into my hand. She nicely smiled and thanked me, but was probably thinking, “If I get hit on by one more doped-up morphine patient….”

Then the doctor came and told my Calm-ass Boyfriend that I had a urinary tract infection and began to list the reasons why I might have one, when I piped up,

“It’s because we only see each other on the weekends and so we don’t get to do it during the week, so when he visits me we have a lot, a lot, a lot of sex. Like…a LOT.”

I’ve only seen CAH freeze with a smile on his face like that one other time, which was the first time he flew to Colorado with me to visit my mom and she informed us that coconut oil is a fantastic natural lube. To her credit, she is totally right.

CAH said my little morphine outburst was humiliating. But I say, c’mon, the doctor was a dude like anyone else. You know he was mentally high-fiving CAH for being a super stud. If he knew that I would later send CAH a bunch of vagina pictures for the purpose of making him identify which one was mine, it would have been a double high-five.

Before you read the rest of this post: I request that, if you are able to listen to music, you hit “play” on the below video before scrolling down to read. I feel this post needs this specific musical accompaniment while you read it. To drive my point home:

Click here and then press “play” on the video, then come back over to my article

Recently it came to light that a soldier in Afghanistan – who just had both of his fucking legs blown off – asked the army medic treating him to see her boobs. Rather, he asked her for a second shot of morphine – because his fucking legs just got blown off – and she said she was unable to do so because she had already given him one shot, and a second shot could actually be harmful. So he said, “Well do something useful and show me your boobs.”

She refused. Which was totally her right, she was not required to bare her breasts. Also, she probably knew that, since he was on morphine, he was having verbal diarrhea of the mouth. And also, both of his fucking legs just got blown off. For all he knew, his number was up and he just wanted to see a beautiful pair of breasts one more time before he died.

I heard about this story on my favorite San Francisco morning radio show, Sarah and Vinnie at 97.3 (you should totally listen to it via podcast). The show’s producer, Uzette Salazar, jokingly chided the paramedic and said that, were it her, she would have bared her breasts to the fallen soldier.

And then the texts came in. Mean, angry, ugly texts, stating that Uzette had set the women’s movement back with that comment, even calling her a DITZ for saying that. Because referring to a woman who states her opinion as a “ditz” is totally furthering the women’s movement. When did the women’s movement turn into the thinking that women can state their opinion, but only so long as it aligns with someone else’s? God forbid you have a thought of your own. You might hurt your pretty little brain.

Well let me say this: It was the paramedics right to refuse to show her breasts, but I would have loudly applauded her if she did, and I would proudly bare my breasts to a fallen soldier. Hell, I’d proudly bare them to a random guy who asked if I thought he was actually dying. It’s his last moment, is showing your boobs really so terrible? Because to be honest, if I were dying, I may want to fondle a ball sack one last time before I go. Does that mean I am objectifying men?

2010-03-19 12.23.12-2

At the heart of it, when we are dying, we are just people. We are women who love men, men who love women, men who love men, or women who love women. Whatever our taste is, we are just people. And I am going to venture to say that, a soldier who’s just been gravely injured on the field, who possibly thinks he may be about to die, is no longer just “a soldier” out there. He is a guy who had a childhood, went to school, maybe played sports or loved video games, and grew up and decided to join the military. He has parents and friends and favorite TV shows. He’s probably had his heart broken at least once, and maybe he loves tacos or barbecue. Maybe he’s wishing for his girlfriend or wife. Or maybe he’s just wanting his mommy. And THAT is the guy laying on that field, maybe dying, or, at the very least, having just lost both of his fucking legs. And all he sees in front of him is a pretty girl. And since he’s a boy, who sees a pretty girl, and is in an unimaginable amount of pain, he wants to see a pair of boobs. For possibly the last time. He’s not a chauvinist – he’s a person. We are built to be sexual.


And in closing, I would like to point out that Jon Hamm’s bulge made the news this week. Just his bulge. His beautiful, glorious bulge.

jon hamms bulge

And I did not hear one feminist come to his defense, saying that we are reducing him to a body part, despite his repeated requests for people to stop talking about it (sorry Jon, I’m only talking about it to make a point). But if it had been January Jones’s camel toe, the feminists would have rallied that the media was reducing her to a body part. And if she had begged the media to stop talking about it, the feminist backlash would have been even worse.

Ladies, we have pretty parts. Men have sexy parts. Let’s not lose sight of this in the quest for equal pay and the right to fight in combat. To do this is to downplay that we are human, first and foremost.

And for those feminists who are pissed at this post and/or Uzette Salazar’s comment:

Screen shot 2013-03-27 at 12.45.32 PM


4 thoughts on “In Defense of Soldiers, Morphine, and Uzette Salazar: With No Apologies to the Extremist Feminists

  1. Pingback: Vagina Fun Facts From Florida Friday | The Wiseass Wife

  2. Wow. I just ran across your blog and I applaud you. I’ve wanted to say the same thing, but being a man I would be lambasted. Yet, I do have same thoughts about our sexuality as a species on this planet . We are sexual, having been endowed with the desires or urges by the same forces that endowed us with our capacity to reason and know the difference between right and wrong. Thank you for your thoughts. -Ed

The box below is for thought ejaculation. Think safely.

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