I don’t think it is FAIR that wine is not allowed to come with a Xanax pocket in the wine cork!
I invented The Wine Cork Pocket and everything!
But wine makers are like, “There’s no way to open a bottle of wine that is corked with The Wine Cork Pocket and not drive the corkscrew through the Xanax.”
But that is just a slap in the face to the out-of-the-box thinking that led to the WineRack.
Plus, if wine could just come with a complimentary Xanax, it saves us from harassing our doctors who are like, “We can’t just give you Xanax just because Web MD says you have ‘general anxiety’.”
Which is BULL because, why the hell did I choose Kaiser Permanente as my healthcare provider if they are not going to offer a maximum of the very minimum of healthcare? Sure Kaiser, be stingy with the Xanax, but post a fucking flu shot pusher at every access point in your damn building, and then look at me like the outbreak monkey when I say I’d rather just catch the flu. My ability to recover from illness is rock solid but I have a very old neighbor who is mean to my dogs so I am just waiting to catch the flu so I can sneeze on her a few times. Don’t judge me Kaiser. It’s called natural selection. And you don’t know how crazy I get when someone messes with my dogs.
I’m just saying, if I wanted ethical care, I would have gone with just about any other health insurance provider but Kaiser. And Kaiser offers phone appointments rather than in-person appointments, so you can’t tell me those doctors aren’t just checking Web MD while you list your symptoms, anyways.
And Web MD clearly states that I need Xanax due to my excessive caffeine use. And the patronizing nurse didn’t help:
Nurse: Well then just cut back on your caffeine use
Me: But I need the caffeine to chase away my wine hangovers
Nurse: Then you need to cut down on your wine consumption
Me: I need to drink wine because I can’t sleep due to all my caffeine consumption, and ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING LISTENING TO ANYTHING THAT I AM SAYING?
Nurse: Mrs. Harris, you need to calm down
Me: THAT IS WHY I NEED THE XANAX!!!
Then she said she was going to email me information, which I assumed was nurse code for, “I can get you what you need on the black market but can’t say this over the Kaiser phone lines,” but all she sent me was a note that said, “I hope this helps you” along with a link to therapistlocator.net. At first I was surprised that there even is a rapist locator online, and was slightly offended that she’d think I’d want to find one, but then I remembered that I told her that part of my anxiety is awaiting the Calm-ass Husband to finally live out my fantasy of surprising me one night by putting on a ski mask and pretending to break into the house. Which will be some totally hot role play, but the element of surprise is what is really heightening my anxiety. And I do believe it was at this point that she said she was going to email me some information that she thought would help me.
But to be quite honest, if she had just given me the damn Xanax instead of worrying about improving my sex life, it kind of would have killed two birds with one stone.