The Big Penis Article: How to Pamper Your Man’s Penis

Oh the penis, the mighty skin sword.The dude piston. The beaver basher. The albino cave dweller. The deep-V diver. The steamin’ semen truck. The heat-seeking moisture missile.

The stats are in: my readers love penis. Like, a lot. You bunch of pervs!


But I shall give my audience what they want because I’m a selfless girl. And because I care about the penis getting the love and attention it so deserves, because I have a big and charitable heart.

The Wiseass Wife – the Penis Pusher.

Also, we can’t have the Wiseass Wife without the “wife” part, and I guess that, at some point, I should go ahead and act like a wife. I should prove to Calm-ass Husband that I am capable of more than lounging around the house in kitschy house dresses, downing wine, and having marathon Pinterest sessions.

And someday, when there is a Yelp for spouses, I want a high rating.

It has its own seat at the table and everything.

It has its own seat at the table and everything.

One of my most popular articles to date is how to make your resident penis-haver the “Man Bouquet.” It was made for March 14th, but the Man Bouquet is great for any day of the year. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, or simply to say, “I love you AND your penis.”


For those who don’t know what March 14th is:

This is a fairly new holiday in the grand scheme of holidays, but one with which you should be intimately familiar. March 14th, alternatively called “Steak and a Blow Job Day,” or, “Men’s Valentines Day,” is a special day for your man candy. As described by the official Steak and a Blow Job website:

“March 14, one month after Valentine’s Day, is the offical date for Steak and BJ Day. The concept for the holiday is simple. If a man makes his woman feel special on Valentine’s Day, then she will make him feel special one month later. What makes Steak and BJ Day unique is that it is dependent on the guy and if he made Valentine’s Day special for his loved one. If a man does not take care of his woman on February 14, then she does not have to take care of him in March.”

And for you men who proclaim, “Every day should be Steak and a Blow Job Day”, we counter that with, “Every day should be Diamonds and Cunnilingus Day,” and yet, the majority of us are not dripping with diamonds on a daily basis. We check at the meetings.


And now my Oprah moment – my favorite things, for your favorite thing:

Wiener Wash

It’s for real – it’s a thing, thanks to the folks from What better way to make your man feel like his little majesty is truly the lord over all of his other body parts than by getting it its own wash? His meat flute is worthy of more than just a swipe with the same bar of Irish Spring that washes his pits! It deserves its own suds, capable of managing his man meat in a way that Irish Spring can’t. Pffft….Irish Spring. Don’t bastardize your man’s junk with that junk.


Executive Ball Scratcher

We all know it – men love to itch their balls. Whether they are really that itchy, or it’s just a nervous tick, the world will never know. It’s a scientific phenomenon that cannot be explained.

But why should your man be reduced to scratching his balls the old fashioned way? He’s a classy gentleman and deserves nothing but the finest tools touching his tool, and that is what the Executive Ball Scratcher offers.

The Main Vein Maintainer

The Main Vein Maintainer

Let your man maintain civility while he has at his man bags. The Executive Ball Scratcher is 8″ long and is silver plated, because nothing but silver is good enough for your man’s scratchy love spuds. Except maybe platinum or gold. Or if you are the Calm-ass Husband, carbon fiber or tungsten carbide.

One Noble Gentleman on a Quest to Tame His Teabags

One Noble Gentleman on a Quest to Tame His Teabags

The Penis Cozy

There is nothing worse than a chilly willy. This little cozy promises to keep both your man’s disco stick and his glitter balls nice and toasty on the coldest of nights. Also perfect for a post-swim warm up! Lovingly hand crocheted by Goldie’s Knits, these ding-a-ling slings can be custom ordered for perfect size and favorite colors.

For the Preppy Penis

For the Preppy Penis

They also make an excellent conversation piece:

Me: Do you know that they make penis cozies

CAH: No, that sounds ridiculous.

Me: Hee hee, ri-dick-ulous?

CAH: Sigh….

He plays coy, but I have a feeling I will have a happy husband on my hands come Christmas when he’s opening his stocking.

Now you are fully prepared to give your man’s penis a night of pampering. And if you want to get really creative, break out the body paints and give him a penile polygraph:

Men: If You're Going to Lie, At Least Make it Fun For Us

Men: If You’re Going to Lie, At Least Make it Fun For Us


One thought on “The Big Penis Article: How to Pamper Your Man’s Penis

  1. Pingback: Vagina Fun Facts From Florida Friday – How Do You Like These Papayas? | The Wiseass Wife

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