Do You Suffer From LOSER Syndrome? Stoners Probably Shouldn’t Read This

This is definitely going to make adult stoners cry out and rally.

Haha, totally joking. Like they’re that motivated. The only time you hear of stoners rallying is when the legality of pot is on the line. Then suddenly they’re the Jane Goodall of marijuana, and are stone-cold sober, saying intelligent stuff like, “And here we have the Cannabis ruderalis, shh-shhhhhhhh, don’t disturb it. It does best when left undisturbed. We just like to observe it in its natural environment.”


There are two types of adult stoners: those who have been stoners all their lives and never grew out of it, and those who started as adults. Both groups are referred to clinically as, Late Onset/Ongoing Stoner Existence Regret Syndrome, or, LOSERS. LOSERS are all around you, and the LOSERS who are lifelong stoners are easy to spot:

1. The stoner laugh, even when they’re not stoned. (Don’t know what that sounds like? Think Seth Rogan’s laugh).

2. Start most sentences with, “So I was watching (insert any Adult Swim show here) the other night….”

3. Constantly wondering why their careers never really took off. Often in some menial employment position, waiting to be the next Seth Rogan.

4. Reeeaaallllyyyy pro-Obamacare (see #3)

5. Much like vegans, vegetarians and anyone who is gluten free: don’t worry, they’ll fucking tell you.


LOSERS who started late in life may be a bit harder to spot because they don’t have a lifetime of collecting hacky sacks and perfecting their stoner laughs to really give themselves away.

Adult onset LOSERS tend to be:

1. That guy who never quite measured up in his dad’s eyes and, instead of taking over the family business, became a mid-level insurance salesman.

2. That mom of four with no time to herself, longing for those crazy nights with her girls where they’d get dressed up in their little cowboy hats, flashing strangers for free shots. And now she wouldn’t dream of flashing her cans for free shots because, while they grew a few extra cup sizes with those babies, her stomach now looks like a sad, deflated balloon. And so do her hopes and dreams.

3. The middle-aged woman whose children have left the house and, now that she is facing an empty house, realizes that she actually dislikes her husband quite a bit.

4. The mid-level exec who isn’t quite ready to try cocaine with his management team, but doesn’t want to give the impression that he isn’t “down to party” and risk being kicked out of the inner circle.

5. The low-level manager who is slowly realizing that she isn’t going to be promoted any time soon.

And don’t take offense, LOSERS, I’m sure your late nights spent smoking pot, eating tacos made out of Dorito shells, and watching old Frisky Dingo reruns totally fills the void left behind in the wake of getting passed over for that promotion. You’ve been working your ass off for two years and they just handed that position over to Jackson in Accounting? That lazy fuck got to the top by having his nose so far up the VP’s ass that they were practically french kissing. Screw that place! You just kick back with your Hello Kitty bong, eating Nutella straight out of the jar while you plot your revenge. You know what? You should plot to kill them. All of them. Just do them all in. The fantasy will feel good and you’ll probably have just forgotten about it by tomorrow.

If you're an adult smoking pot out of a Hello Kitty bong, then you should probably just go ahead and showed us on the kitty where your uncle got a little too handsy that time he got drunk at Thanksgiving.

If you meet a fully grown adult woman with a Hello Kitty bong, then it’s safe to assume that she lost her innocence prematurely and is desperately clinging to it while trying to escape. Men, translation = RUN.

I actually have no problem with pot getting legalized. I can’t imagine that it is suddenly going to turn into a crazy pot extravaganza where everyone from children to politicians parade down the street, joints in hand, filling the air with clouds of skunk smoke. I’m of the mindset of “live and let live.” If it isn’t directly, physically hurting others, impeding their freedoms or taking advantage, than who the hell cares? (I’m looking at you, anti-gay marriage people. Maybe you all need to smoke a joint and loosen up a bit.)

I think the biggest thing that will happen if pot is legalized is that LOSERS will keep smoking pot, and non-LOSERS won’t. Which is to say nothing will change. But bless those LOSERS’ hearts, if it is a cause they care enough about to actually stop playing Call of Duty  for ten minutes while they go off on a 20-minute rant about why pot should be legalized, before sparking up again, then we should reward the effort. Granted, the rants are about as far as they get to actually doing anything, but they tried. Let’s give them this.

Screen shot 2013-04-07 at 4.06.09 PM

But just because I support it, doesn’t mean I won’t make fun of you squinty-eyed LOSERS.

I’m sorry, that was mean. I shouldn’t make fun of those with clinical conditions.

And there is a clear distinction between LOSERS, and those who indulge in pot socially, such as on a trip to Amsterdam. LOSERS go to Amsterdam solely to smoke legal pot. Non-LOSERS are going for the history or museums, and it just so happens that there is legal pot that they might try. See the difference? It comes off as less desperate.


And LOSERS mystify me because pot somehow has the effect of reducing adults to complete children again.


Whenever medical pot is legalized (or semi-legalized? I don’t even know how that goes), suddenly every LOSER and his mother develops a bad back or a bum knee. You never saw so many cases of glaucoma when California opened up pot dispensaries.

It’s like the kid who fakes a fever to stay home from school.

And for some reason, all they can ever talk about is smoking pot after they got off of work. That is literally how their day is spent, either talking about smoking pot when they get off work, or all the other times in their lives that they have smoked pot.

Like a kid who can’t wait to get home from school and play Nintendo all afternoon.

OK, it’s been awhile since I’ve played video games. Are they even still called “video games”?

Not to mention their need to eat NOW. Much like a child, when a LOSER decides that they’re hungry, they need to eat right away or they will become whiney. There is a reason that Taco Bell invented “Fourth Meal,” that “meal between dinner and breakfast”. Because they know that when the LOSERS get done watching Robot Chicken, they’re going to want to load up on a few dozen crunchy tacos.

Fourth Meal: the meal between diabetes and heart disease.

Fourth Meal: the meal between diabetes and heart disease.

And, they naively assume that everyone smokes pot because, like children, the world doesn’t extend beyond the little worlds in their own heads. So they will blindly offer you pot, which I do find a little endearing. Cute little buggers.

And this is my immediate thought when offered pot by a LOSER, “No, thanks, it makes me really sleepy. And also, I’m no longer 16 and in my friend’s parent’s garage.”

And at the end of the day, I have two cats to whom I have to set an example. I don’t want to be cleaning out their litter box one day and find some “nip” paraphernalia and then confront them about where they learned such deviant behavior and have them be like, “You, ok? We learned it from watching you.”


But LOSERS, please, keep it up. Because the comic relief that you all provide is worth it’s weight in Cheetos alone, and if the rest of us have to compete with so many other people on this planet to make it to that top percent of people who are highly successful, we really appreciate your self-disqualification. It makes the pool that much smaller.

Right on.


5 thoughts on “Do You Suffer From LOSER Syndrome? Stoners Probably Shouldn’t Read This

  1. Pingback: Vagina Fun Facts From Florida Friday – Hallelujah! He Found the G Spot! | The Wiseass Wife

  2. Hey, nicely written. Im a 25 years old LOSER (since I was 15) from Sweden and I work as a tour guide in Africa. I basically travel around in cool places showing people a good time while blazed, and I get a descent salary for it. I whent to Amsterdam once too. I visited the Rembrandt museum, the Anne Frank house and the Van Gogh museum. And smoked at least five shitloads of weed. It was awesome! Weed is sooo gooooood!! 🙂 Am I a failure?

    Marilize legajuana!

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