Guys, Stop Worrying About the Size of Your Penis, No Matter What Science Says. Seriously, Stop it! (NSFW)

I’ve had several readers recently send me news articles about some study done that concluded that women like bigger penises.

First of all, thanks to everyone for thinking of me. I am happy to be your big, girthy beacon of light in the dark storm of attacks on the male member.

I'm honored, truly.

I’m honored, truly.

Secondly, STOP WORRYING.

Look, I get it, it’s science, and the science clearly indicated:

Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, or, PNAS (giggle), showed pictures of male figures to 105 women from Australia. Apparently they spent more time staring at the figures with larger penises. In case you were wondering, the penises were all flacid. The PNAS team found that women rated penises that were of 3 inches, at flacid length, higher in attractiveness.

The PNAS team went on to say:

Penis size had a stronger effect on attractiveness in taller men than in shorter men. There was a similar increase in the positive effect of penis size on attractiveness with a more masculine body shape (i.e., greater shoulder-to-hip ratio). Surprisingly, larger penis size and greater height had almost equivalent positive effects on male attractiveness.

But come on, all you men do is complain about how complicated us ladies are and how we over think everything. Do you really think this is the one department where we keep it simple?

Understanding-women

We can go on back to our roots and get into the whole, “We look for the best specimens with which to mate,” which is why women want men to have broad shoulders and big schlongs, and why men want women to have huge boobs and hips. When Christina Hendricks shot to fame, you could hear a collective unzipping of pants from men around the world. Even guys I know who are workout freaks and refuse to date anyone who isn’t as obsessive about the gym as they are were like, “Yes, I’ll take one of her, please.”

Your fly's open

Your fly’s open

But do you know how many women actually look like Christina Hendricks? None – none of us do. That woman is a freak of nature and I think even she, at the end of the day, stands in front of a full-length mirror naked saying, “No seriously, how did this happen??”. And now you’re all picturing Christina Hendricks naked. Snap out of it.

And I get it, that moment of nervousness when the new person you are really into is going to finally take the plunge and cop a feel of your man parts and you’re afraid she will think you fall short of what she’s had before. Why do I, as a lady, get it?

Well, several years before I met the Calm-ass Husband, I had huge boobs. Like, HUGE. I know, I know, that doesn’t sound like a problem. Well it was for me, they were ridiculously big. So I got a reduction and had a few pounds taken out of each. Then when I later met the Calm-ass Husband, I was terrified of him seeing my boobs because they clearly had surgery. And breast reduction scars are not nearly as subtle as breast implant scars. Here is an example:

Note: These are not MY breasts, just a similar example (although the scarring does eventually turn the same color as your skin). I got a complaint from the Husband Department that I am showing the girls off too much. I told him he’s welcome to even the score by posting some ball cleavage pictures, but he declined. Which totally bummed me out because I had already set up the camera, spotlight, and glitter shorts.

No lie, there is a Tumblr called "Southern Crotch." But I don't know how they could verify those crotches, so  they could probably be from anywhere.

No lie, there is a Tumblr called “Southern Crotch.” But I don’t know how they could possibly verify all those crotches, so they could be from anywhere.

It turns out that, to guys, boobs are boobs and he really didn’t care.

I’ve been around long enough to have heard every reason in the book why guys thinks their penis size is not adequate. So let me address a few of those reasons right now:

1. My ex-girlfriend said so. Did she say that as she was hurling all your shit out on to the front lawn? When women are pissed, they often hit below the belt – literally. Women know that, deep down, many of you are insecure about your penis size so when you piss them off, that is the first thing they go for. Does she really think your penis is so offensively small? Well, has she slept with you more than once?

2. But all the guys in porn have big old knobs. Yeah, that’s why they’re in porn. Because they are unusually huge. Steve Jobs was unnaturally brilliant, but I don’t hear any of you brainiacs lamenting that you will never measure up to his intellect. And I get it, watching too much porn is what led to my tramp stamp and tendency to be disappointed when the pizza delivery guy is not, in fact, a perfectly toned Greek God. We’ve all been there. Can we all agree the fine actors of porn are meant for inspiration and not meant to dictate how we lead our lives or our self-esteem?

3. But I’ve heard some talk about how they all want is a big one and will not sleep with a guy if it’s not huge. Ah yes, the size-ists. In the gay world their called “size queens.” There are some women who demand only the biggest specimens of man meat. Often, these women have a grudge towards men in general. My theory is that they were put in a position of feeling powerless by a guy at some point – maybe meant to feel lesser somehow – and making men feel inadequate is just some sort of defense mechanism. But I am OBVIOUSLY no psychologist.

Or maybe women who are size queens just have bigger vaginas. And I’m not even saying that to be mean – there is this whole thing in the Kama Sutra that classifies men and women by the sizes of their genitals and then charts out which sizes are a best match. It’s a thing. Don’t believe me? Check it out, I’ll wait (but come back)

Note to any gay guys reading this: If you’re a Size Queen, please explain to me why you love the big ones so much. If I were gay, I think I’d want a guy with the smallest member I could find (I guess I’m assuming I’d be a bottom). I’ve asked many of my gay friends why they like a big one, but you can never get a straight answer out of  those guys.

I think part of the reason you all think that we see you as a walking penis with a man attached to it is because, let’s face it, when you’re walking down the street, how often do you notice the boobs and then the girl attached to them? Which is fine – I’m not blaming you. If more guys walked around with ball cleavage, we would definitely notice that first. There’d definitely be a lot more giggling.

But here are a few other things that we factor in, penises aside:

1. A nice smattering of chest hair. You can thank Don Draper for this. For the love of Jesus, stop waxing your chests. Nothing says, “I’m a MAN!” like a hairy chest. You can still continue to maintain any back hair. We want men, not gorillas.

2. Kiss our foreheads, we like that. Look at Pinterest.com’s “Quotes” section. It’s full of women who just want a tender kiss on the top of the head, forehead or tip of the nose. Also, apparently men who wear tight jeans and cowboy boots rate high in their books.

Inspirational forehead kiss poster.

Inspirational forehead kiss poster.

3. Confidence. Nothing is hotter than a confident man. And confidence does not = douchebag! Having confidence and presenting yourself that way to the world tells us that you have your shit together. Which leads me to number 4.

MjAxMy1mMTkxZGFiMjJjNmU5MzBi

4. Have your shit together. If women were asked to judge two men, standing side-by-side, completely naked, with one having a porn-sized penis and another below average, you think she’d take the porn-sized one, right? Well that was a trick question, because we’ve also flashed up their life stats next to them.

Porn penis:

Works at McDonalds, lives in his mom’s garage, blows most of his paychecks on pot and McDonalds (and we can’t blame him, he DOES get an employee discount). In the sack, he’ll jackhammer you for 20 minutes and then expect to hear that it was the best sex of your life.

Non-porn penis:

He teaches high school Chemistry, likes rock climbing and kayaking, and spent last summer helping kids in Haiti. He also wants to go down on you constantly, to the point where you’re sure your vagina is some sort of Fountain of Youth and he’s trying to live forever.

I promise, most of us will take non-porn penis guy in a heartbeat.

5. Perhaps the most important – make us laugh. I said it before in my article, 5 Things Every New Husband Should Know. Making us laugh is the sexiest thing in the world. Be silly with us, play with us (not just in the sexy way), and joke with us. It has been released in many scientific studies (which you men don’t seem to pay half as much attention to) that laughing releases dopamine and endorphins – the feel good chemicals of the brain.

Probably one of my favorite pictures of me and the Calm-ass Husband. Being silly = sexy.

Probably one of my favorite pictures of me and the Calm-ass Husband. Being silly = sexy.

I hope this has helped, even just a little bit. But if you’re still obsessing on this silly topic, take my advice: perfect all the foreplay moves and then do that to her before she sees your Tinky Winky, so she knows what else you’re capable of. And if you need some tips on perfecting the other stuff, stay tuned for my weekly column on Kanoodled.com!

The box below is for thought ejaculation. Think safely.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s