I Think My Husband Has a Dead Person Fetish, and You All Need to Stop Molesting Snakes

I had a debate with the Calm-ass Husband not long ago, which I’d like to briefly recall because I believe I caught him going against his own argument. It went down like this:

WAW: I think if you die first, I should be able to molest your body. Just one last time.
CAH: Sigh….are we really having this conversation?
WAW: I’m just saying, it’s illegal to molest a corpse but I think it shouldn’t count if it’s your spouse. I mean, you can basically do whatever you want to their body while they’re alive, why should it change when they’re dead?
CAH: Because they are dead, so they can’t give consent.
WAW: So write me a note.
CAH: I’m not writing you a permission slip to molest me after I die, and what if you die first?
WAW: Well I will obviously write you a note, too.
CAH: This is gross.
WAW: I’m not saying it isn’t gross, I’m just saying it should be allowed. You’re my freaking husband, I don’t have the right to have one last go at you?
CAH: Yes, fine, do whatever you want to my dead body.
WAW: Can I get that in writing?

So, CAH seems on the anti-dead-body-molesting camp, right?

Well let me bring you to Exhibit A, this past Friday:

My ass getting white girl wasted on 3 martinis (See, this is the shit that happens when I scale down on my drinking, my alcohol tolerance dips to embarassing levels. Also, I didn’t have much to eat that day.) and was so hungover that I slept literally all day Saturday.

Every song that came on I screamed, "OMG This is SO meeeee!!!"

Every song that came on I screamed, “OMG This is SO meeeee!!!”

I woke up late Saturday evening. It is now 24 hours later and CAH has been all over me like white on rice. He even took me to the adult toy store today for a look-see.

Now I ask you, why the hell is me being passed out apparently such a freaking aphrodisiac for my husband who is ALLEGEDLY against molesting the dead?

And more importantly, WHY THE HELL IS THERE A FUCKING EMERGENCY SNAKE BITE KIT AT THE ADULT TOY STORE?

You people need to stop putting snakes in places they don't belong!

You people need to stop putting snakes in places they don’t belong!

I don’t want to know, but I kind of do. But I mostly don’t. Out of concern for the snakes.

I tested my theory of CAH having a dead people fetish by randomly falling over on the ground in front of him, just to see if there were any stirrings in his fun zone, but mostly he started out with looks of concern, followed by looks of annoyance and impatience as the day went on and I was nearing double-digits of fake fainting.

These are the thoughts that I am leaving you with today, before I finish researching coffee enemas to detox my pissed-off body:

1. If your husband claims to be vehemently opposed to something, it’s probably because he secretly wants it.

2. Starbucks protein plates are NOT sufficient pre-drinking meals.

3. You snake fetishists need to STOP putting snakes in places that require you to take a trip to the sex shop to get an emergency bite kit!

4. WHY are we debating letting people purchase the morning after pill from pharmacists, but we have no problem with people treating poisonous snake bites at a sex shop??

5. A hand pump sprayer and a tub of Folgers is not a sufficient coffee enema. Learn from my mistakes.

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3 thoughts on “I Think My Husband Has a Dead Person Fetish, and You All Need to Stop Molesting Snakes

  1. Pingback: Guys, You All Need to Stop Sticking Your Wieners Wherever They Will Fit, Swedish Man Dead After Humping a Hive | The Wiseass Wife

  2. Pingback: How to Poison Your Husband on Your Anniversary: Also, I’m Pretty Sure That I Just Wrote Nicholas Stoller’s Next Blockbuster | The Wiseass Wife

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