So the Hardware Store is All About Who Has the Biggest Penis?

We are redoing our kitchen and dining room and that is as much detail as you will get because, let’s be honest, that’s as much detail as most people are interested in when hearing that someone is redoing their kitchen. And let’s be even more honest, if someone actually presses you for detail on exactly what you are doing to your kitchen, it’s so women can judge your design choices, and men can judge how you’re going about the redesign. And if I’ve learned anything since we’ve embarked on this journey a week ago, home repair for men is all about expressing how manly they are.

Ladies, important: the size of a man’s tools is directly proportional to his virility. That is the main thing they want us to know.

We were at Lowe’s when Calm-ass Husband muttered something about needing a leveler. We had one once, it was about the size of a hammer, maybe a bit longer. That’s what I was expecting.

He came back with this:

My that's an impressive tool you have there.

My that’s an impressive tool you have there.

I also saw another man had been in the leveler department at the same time as CAH, so I can only imagine that their internal monologues looked like this:

CAH: Ah, here’s the leveler I had in mind when I first walked over here.

Other Man: Look how small his leveler is….I’m going to grab this one, one size up.

CAH: Fuck, he just grabbed the bigger leveler. Well I see your mid-sized leveler, and raise you the next size up.

Other Man: Oh you wanna rumble brah? Well look at the size of THIS leveler, *BAM* in your face. I might even slap your forehead with it.

At which point CAH picked up the biggest leveler they had and held it in the air all He-Man-style and yelled, “I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRR!!!!”

Ironically, CAH is too young to remember this.

Ironically, CAH is too young to remember this.

Note: Ok, CAH is telling me that there was a bigger leveler he could have chosen, but it was almost $60. Which I think shows his security in his manhood since cost came before the biggest leveler, so he settled for the second biggest. Actually, I guess it shows that he’s *almost* completely confident in his manhood. Maybe about 90%.

Now that I’m married I have to pretend to listen to a lot of stuff and act like I’m interested (he lucked out because, as we all know, every guy loves to hear about what you saw on Pinterest for an hour-and-a-half). This is tough now that we are doing kitchen work and all I want to do is come up with the ideas of how to make things look pretty while my husband figures out the stuff like “wiring” and “ladders” and “safety precautions”. But unfortunately he insists on telling me all about “his” part of the redesign, and when I’m bored out of my skull when someone is talking, I inevitably regress in maturity to pre-pubescent years. Not my pre-pubescent years, an 11 year-old-boy’s pre-pubescent years.

“So what we need to do to get the new ceiling fan installed,” explained CAH, “is to take off the cap of the old one and it should uncover a box tha-…really? You’re giggling? Anyways, so that box should have some wires shoved in it an-….seriously, Jess? How old are you? Anyways, we should find the wires we need if we poke around in there enough an-….ok, how did you even make that sexual? ANYWAYS, if we use a regular bulb we can make the light dim an-….sigh….you can’t just start removing clothing to distract every guy who is saying something that bores you.”

“Um, how do you think I passed college chem?”

So I guess this whole post is to tell you all that I will be skipping WINK Wednesday tomorrow because we are kind of slammed and my kitchen and dining room are in total disarray. I do, however, have an awesome Vagina Fun Facts From Florida Friday this week, so be ready!

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One thought on “So the Hardware Store is All About Who Has the Biggest Penis?

  1. Well, actually Levels come in different sizes… for different jobs.
    My dad once had 3… He was a carpenter.
    You should always use as long a level as you can for the job at hand. It will improve the accuracy of your measurement.
    Now let us see her take some honest to goodness facts like that and turn them into something artsy, sexual, weird, or funny. I got a bad feeling about this. I think she can.
    ANNE! What kind of a daughter did you raise! Snicker!

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