So Apparently if You’re a Woman Trying to Buy Chemicals, You Must Be Trying to Kill Your Husband

I have been neglecting updating this site horribly this week because we are still slaving away at our kitchen.

And by the way, if you are a woman who goes to a store in search of heavy chemicals, beware of being eyed suspiciously by the male employees you enlisted to help you.

Me: Hi, I need something strong to remove contact paper glue.
Store Guy: Oh, so like, Goo Gone.
Me: No, Goo Gone isn’t working. I need the heavy stuff. Like, whatever you have that has the most warnings on the bottle. Skulls and crossbones and fire warnings. I need that.
SG (eyeing me suspiciously): Have you tried rubbing alcohol?
Me: Yes, I’ve tried it all. Even elbow grease and a scouring pad, but since my husband isn’t around to really put some muscle into it, I need chemicals. I need something so strong, that I have to wear a mask and gloves to even open the container. It needs to be able to dissolve anything.
SG: I don’t know where your husband is or what you’re trying to do with these heavy chemicals, but we don’t sell that here. You’ll need to go to a hardware store.

By the way, it was baking soda and water that finally worked. Go figure.

So I am sadly derelichting my duties of recording my brain ejaculations while I finish this kitchen that seems like it is taking for-fucking-ever. But I don’t want this site to be stale and have you all thinking, “Where the hell did she go? Did she finally kill that bitchy neighbor down the street who says mean things to her dogs and she’s now on the lamb?”

No. But soon. Soon…..

Here’s a few of my classic Wiseass Wife’s in the meantime!

Trader Joe’s Magic Boner Pills: How Trader Joe’s Men’s Daily Multivitamins Will Cause Sleepless Nights

5 Things I Learned While Reading Victorian Porn

Sorry My Dog is Screaming At You, But Did You Notice Her Crap Smells Like Flowers?

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Vagina Fun Facts From Florida Crosses State Lines to Visit Alexyss Tylor and Her Warning to Men and Their Heat Seeking Missiles

Men, us ladies have a problem that we need to address. Your dick is TOO damn good and it is making us violent!

I looked for every concievable way to tie this back to Florida. I mean, it takes place in Georgia, so you think there would be SOMETHING, but I’m coming up short and this is just too amazing not to share. So we are taking VFFFFF across state lines to visit Florida’s neighbor.

I honestly think it is a crime that I have not heard of “sexpert” Alexyss K. Tylor sooner, but thanks to Tosh.0 for introducing this gem to a wider audience. Ms. Tylor is a host and author of “Vagina Power”, and producer of countless Youtube videos. And don’t think that she is some kind of man-hating feminist, boys. Trust me. She loves you. And your “magically encoded heat seaking missiles.”

Screen shot 2013-05-02 at 8.28.29 PMA little background on this sex expert. She does not hold any formal degrees in counseling but, according to her Wikipedia page, Ms. Tylor does hold a master’s degree in “being played by men and in being used by men.” Which is a bummer because I didn’t known that major was even an option. Had I know that, I would have ditched marketing and gone straight for that degree. I do like to say that I minored in “Just getting by until I met a young cub with a high earning potential,” but CAH is quick to point out that this is not a minor either. Fucking smug bastard with his fancy city planning degree, thinks he knows everything.

Ladies, Alexyss has a serious warning: dick makes us violent – be careful! She told a very compelling story about one young woman who was afflicted with SODIV – Sudden Onset Dick-Induced Violence:

“As she got into that groove, she’s rockin’, she’s rollin her rythm and she had just forgotten where she was. She had gotten into a deep state of euphoria because she said the dick was so good. Well this is the problem though, she said the dick was so good as she started rocking, she just got into it and and, all of the sudden, she said something just hit her and “BHAM” all upside his head, she just slapped him. Dick will make you slap somebody. So that’s what I’m trying to deal with.”

She went on to say:

“She said in one instant, it was feeling so good to her the thought crossed her mind that he might let somebody else have a little sample of that. Just the feeling of being caught up in the pleasure and thinking, “Wait a minute, he might do this right here” and she said she just slapped him. So I’m just saying, sometimes we have to be aware that dick will make you slap somebody in the face. Dick will make you lose control. Dick will make you pull out a gun and shoot someone in the face.”

WHAAAAAT? I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but I am seriously freaking out. I had NO idea that dick was capable of making us shoot someone in the face. Why the fuck has this not come up in any of the national gun debates?

Guys, you need to put the breaks on this and start being lousier in bed. Our nation’s safety is dependent on it!

The problem with Alexyss K. Tylor is that, once you start watching her videos online, you get sucked right in to watching video after video. Perhaps the most compelling was of her dressed in sexy little number, sitting in front of a fire, talking about the importance of women touching themselves, while pulling her leg up to her face in a move that spoke volumes of her yoga instructor.

The best part is the fact that, at the end of most of the videos, she shouts this Oprah-gutteral “Vagina Power”.

So make your Friday better by partaking in some of her finest videos:

Her impressing the importance of bathing your man’s penis and tossing his salad.

Men, it’s also important that you pay attention to the little man in the boat.

And guys, you really need to get it together and help us get our hoo ha’s in shape.

And she’s never made me feel sexier than by coining “The White Girl,” which is a move that white girls apparently do.

Enjoy and stay sunny!