So Apparently if You’re a Woman Trying to Buy Chemicals, You Must Be Trying to Kill Your Husband

I have been neglecting updating this site horribly this week because we are still slaving away at our kitchen.

And by the way, if you are a woman who goes to a store in search of heavy chemicals, beware of being eyed suspiciously by the male employees you enlisted to help you.

Me: Hi, I need something strong to remove contact paper glue.
Store Guy: Oh, so like, Goo Gone.
Me: No, Goo Gone isn’t working. I need the heavy stuff. Like, whatever you have that has the most warnings on the bottle. Skulls and crossbones and fire warnings. I need that.
SG (eyeing me suspiciously): Have you tried rubbing alcohol?
Me: Yes, I’ve tried it all. Even elbow grease and a scouring pad, but since my husband isn’t around to really put some muscle into it, I need chemicals. I need something so strong, that I have to wear a mask and gloves to even open the container. It needs to be able to dissolve anything.
SG: I don’t know where your husband is or what you’re trying to do with these heavy chemicals, but we don’t sell that here. You’ll need to go to a hardware store.

By the way, it was baking soda and water that finally worked. Go figure.

So I am sadly derelichting my duties of recording my brain ejaculations while I finish this kitchen that seems like it is taking for-fucking-ever. But I don’t want this site to be stale and have you all thinking, “Where the hell did she go? Did she finally kill that bitchy neighbor down the street who says mean things to her dogs and she’s now on the lamb?”

No. But soon. Soon…..

Here’s a few of my classic Wiseass Wife’s in the meantime!

Trader Joe’s Magic Boner Pills: How Trader Joe’s Men’s Daily Multivitamins Will Cause Sleepless Nights

5 Things I Learned While Reading Victorian Porn

Sorry My Dog is Screaming At You, But Did You Notice Her Crap Smells Like Flowers?

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One thought on “So Apparently if You’re a Woman Trying to Buy Chemicals, You Must Be Trying to Kill Your Husband

  1. For the record, next time: While wearing rubber gloves…..

    When you buy the ingredients, look furtive, nervous, in a hurry, and very disturbed. This way, you can use the “12 items or less” line in the grocery store and still have 13 items. The 13th item should be a 6 pack of beer, although, your mileage may vary…. You may have 14 items after all…..

    CLEANING PROCEDURE:

    1. Wash/Scrub with a thick paste of DAWN Dish Detergent, Baking Soda, & very hot water. To the hot water, add a little bit of Ammonia. (ie: Less than a shot glass, not the whole bottle, as you are usually inclined to do.)
    2. Spray some WD 40 on the glue. Wait 15 mins. Wipe off with rags you WANT to throw out. The rags will be trash afterwards. Do not try to save them.
    3. Wash with rubbing alcohol (50%) , Vinegar (30%), and warm water (20%) mix. (This is to remove the WD 40.)
    4. Wash/Scrub with a thick paste of DAWN Dish Detergent, Baking Soda, & very hot water. To the hot water, you can add a little vinegar.
    5. Rinse with plain warm water.
    6. Dry, baby, dry!

    This will remove everything but blood stains. For that, you will need Hydrogen Peroxide. And a good lawyer. The lawyer, you already know…. When you buy the hydrogen peroxide at the drug store, tell them you are trying to sterilize baby items. Do not mention the bodies, ok?

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