Guys, You All Need to Stop Sticking Your Wieners Wherever They Will Fit, Swedish Man Dead After Humping a Hive

It’s been a long post break AGAIN. I know, I know, trust me, I’m more pissed about it than you. It seems that I have pinched a nerve in my neck and it has basically taken out my right shoulder and, on some days, my right arm and hand. Which sucks because I’m right-handed.  So I’ve been floating through life these last few weeks on various steroids, anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxers, and have not been up for much more than binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy with drool seeping down my chin. 

Btw, watching Grey’s Anatomy when you’re shoulder is fucked up and you’re on mind-altering drugs is just as bad for the psyche as using Web M.D. I’m pretty sure that my “pinched nerve” is a intradural-extramedullary tumor. Also, I think Calm-ass Husband is sleeping with Meredith Grey in the on-call room, but I can’t seem to catch them in the act.

But it’s not entirely his fault, because when you’re in horrible pain and drugged up, fulfilling your wifely duties is not that easy. ESPECIALLY when it’s your dominant arm that is hurt. One night I tearfully held my hand up in a circle formation and told him he could just ram into it, like a glory hole, but the glory would be that he’d know who was on the other side because there was no wall between us. But apparently hand-humping a weeping half-cripple on narcotics is frowned upon in this establishment. The Valium made me “too limp-wristed” and the tears were a “boner killer”, which is BS because we all know about CAH’s secret necrophilia fantasy

But fair enough, it wouldn’t have been the steamiest sex tape.

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But somewhere between my Valium haze and my Flexeril-Chardonnay buzz, I saw the news story about a Swedish man named “Hasse” (they may have changed his name to protect the idiotic) who died from having SEX with a BEEHIVE! Or a hornets nest. Reports vary but, bee/hornet, wtf is the difference and who the fuck cares?

Note: Calm-Ass Husband, an aspiring bee-keeper, is having a coronary right about now, and making a mental note to sternly lecture me later on the difference between hornets and bees. To be fair, he’s been tense lately. He only has limp hands to hump. And, thankfully, he’s smart enough to not hump a beehive. 

Apparently, Horny Hasse was feeling a bit randy and, since we all know that nothing but dog-ass ugly women come from Sweden (seriously, would Elin Nordegren and Malin Akerman stop flaunting their mangled mugs around town already?), his only recourse to scratch his itch was to have it stung. So he grabbed a nearby bees/hornets nest and got down to business.

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But apparently, when you hump a hive, it’s inhabitants get pretty pissed off and come at you with the vengeance of…..a swarm of hornets. And by vengeance, I mean 146 stings on the man’s body, including 54 alone to his package. The neighbor who found him said he was so swollen that, at first, he thought Hasse was a washed-up whale carcass. It wasn’t until he saw Hasse’s neck tattoo that he realized that it was either Hasse, or that the whales of Sweden were earning some serious sea-cred.

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“But, Wiseass Wife,” you say, “How do you know he was humping the hive? Maybe he was merely naked in the wrong place, at the wrong time.”

Luckily, Sweden’s top sex crime investigation unit, Sex and Whales Erectile Death Enforcement, SWEDE, was on the case. Upon examining both the body and the scene of the bee-rape, they found Hasse’s pubes at the entrance of the nest, his fingerprints on the nest, and SEMEN on the bodies of the dead BEES (or wasps). That means he FINISHED. He HUMPED a BEE/HORNET’S nest to COMPLETION. I don’t whether to be stunned by his stupidity, or applaude his follow-through. 

In a blatantly obvious statement, Swedish psychologist Siv Underlivh, who is probably wondering where his career took a wrong turn, said, “To attempt to have intercourse with a hornet’s nest is a very bad idea.”

Men, don’t fall victim to the temptations of the hive. It’s not all happy bees, balloons, and the abundance of honey that Pooh made it out to be.

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3 thoughts on “Guys, You All Need to Stop Sticking Your Wieners Wherever They Will Fit, Swedish Man Dead After Humping a Hive

  1. And we’re worried about Monsanto killing all of our bees here in the states. At least we don’t have this going on. Or do we? Hmmmmm…… p.s. I’ll have what you’re having (minus the pinched thingy).

  2. Pingback: Man Arrested for Humping an Inflatable Raft. Caution: Raft Porn Ahead | The Wiseass Wife

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