Karma’s a Bitch: the Takedown of Mrs. Cunt Fungus

I love my neighborhood, I really do. Except Mrs. Cunt Fungus (name changed to protect myself from litigation).

Mrs. Cunt Fungus is the saddle bag down the street who, when we first brought home Violet the Screaming Dog, decided it totally appropriate to make passive aggressive comments about Violet being inherently dangerous because she’s a pit bull. Despite the fact that Violet has never even fucking screamed at her.

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To be fair, every time Violet sees Mrs. Fungus, she immediately flops over on her back for belly scratches which, to a fungus that has no brain, could be construed as an aggressive posture; luring her in with the request for a belly rub so she can then let loose a war cry and chomp her face.

Fair enough.

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But if there is one thing I do not tolerate, is cunt funguses screwing with my family. There’s a reason Calm-ass Husband affectionately calls me “Mama Bear”. Or maybe it’s fearfully. Hard to tell.

When we first moved in, Mrs. Cunt Fungus introduced herself as a dog trainer. Turns out, she FOSTERS dogs for a fucking facility that gives guide dogs to blind people, and that is why she calls herself a trainer. Apparently, knowing how to teach a dog to “sit” qualifies you as a dog trainer. I removed a splinter from my foot the other day, so feel free to call me a doctor.

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This is the same woman who, when she had a foster puppy for blind people, made a point to walk in the opposite direction when she saw me and Violet, muttering, “I don’t want this dog near yours, he’s very valuable.”

And it took every fiber of my being to restrain myself from showing her that, between me and Violet, I’m far likelier to rip her face off.

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But victory is sweet. Recently, I found out that Cunt Fungus was dog-sitting one of our neighbor’s dogs, a 9 month old puppy, and the dog died in her care. Which is horrifying and tragic, and my heart breaks for that sweet puppy and his owners.

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But the next time Cunt Fungus wants to make a snide remark about how my dog is a danger to “valuable” dogs in the neighborhood, I am going to relish every second of pointing out that, between her and Violet, the leaderboard reads:

Dead Dogs

Cunt Fungus: 1

Violet: 0

On a serious note, RIP sweet little puppy. I have a whole herd of furry loved ones on the other side, so I hope you’re all romping through green fields, with an endless supply of treats.

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6 thoughts on “Karma’s a Bitch: the Takedown of Mrs. Cunt Fungus

  1. OHMUHGAWSH! How do you even let Violet out in public. As a trainer of 10 years, I can clearly see the intent in her face…to lay and do nothing but snuggle. *rolls eyes* Some people will swim in ignorance until a life raft of a pit comes into their life and paddles them to the “I once was blind but now I see” shore. Hopefully that happens soon for Ms. CF.

    P.S. – I really am a trainer, and am also a pit advocate. Your Violet is farking adorable! Now pardon me while I finish my beer…I am out of wine.

  2. I pretty much hate older women. Not old old, but that 50+ age bracket where they know everything and think they’re entitled to treat everyone else as second class citizens. This has nothing to do with your post, I’m ranting. I fuckin hate old bitches.

  3. I do know where you are coming from. However, puppy raisers for Guide Dogs for the Blind do have to go through extensive monthly training with their dog and many classes before. They do great work. Also guide dog puppies have certain limitations on social interactions with other people and dogs, and while her language did not match this reasoning, that may have also been a reason. I am sorry that she judges your dog for simply the breed she is. This could be compared to racism etc in humans.

    • Yup, I’m a 15 year veteran of the animal sheltering and advocacy industry and I’m very familiar with Guide Dogs and what they call “puppy raisers”, which is what my neighbor does: They do excellent work and provide a wonderful service, but being a puppy raiser for Guide Dogs and calling yourself a “dog trainer” is misleading and irresponsible unless you actually do have the training and background of a professional dog trainer who also happens to work with Guide Dogs.

  4. Pingback: The Mrs. Cunt Fungus Saga Continues: How to Stop Your Nosey Neighbors from Snooping Through Your Trash | The Wiseass Wife

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