Man Arrested for Humping an Inflatable Raft. Caution: Raft Porn Ahead

Well, it’s not a beehive, but it does give new meaning to “one in the pink”.

An Ohio man, Edwin Charles Tobergta, was arrested FOR THE SECOND TIME, for having sex with a pink rubber raft. Which, if you think about it, looks like a huge twat:

The man in this picture is NOT Edwin, and not, as far as I know, a raft humper. Picture from forums.outdoorsdirectory.com

Note, this man is NOT Edwin and, as far as I know, is not a raft humper. Picture from forums.outdoorsdirectory.com

So basically, this guy just wants to be enveloped in a huge vagina. Can we blame him?

Raft sex, or, “rexing”, (not to be confused with T-Rex fetishists, who refer to it as, “trexing”) seems to be on the rise, as evidenced by all of these clear examples I scoured from the Internet.

The fact that this rubber humper got arrested once, and then went back for seconds, means that, not only is raft-loving good, but this is a solid guy who doesn’t just raft ’em and leave ’em.

Still not Edwin.

So Edwin was humping this pink raft-

Actually, he obviously loves this raft, so I feel bad referring to it like an object. I’ll call her Pinky Rafferty.

raftlove

Edwin and Pinky. Sure, I could have gone for a Twilight reference since his name is Edwin, but I decided to go with a Romeo and Juliet reference to confuse all the teeny bopper Twi-hards who probably have no fucking idea who Romeo and Juliet are.

Anyways, it appears that Rafferty is the Capulet to Tobergta’s Montague, as she belongs to Tobertga’s neighbor, who refuses to let these lovers be together.

I long for a world where we don’t have to refer to someone’s giant rubber love-twat as a possession, but these are the injustices we face in this day and age.

(For all you lit nerds who are now having a coronary because my basis of comparison between Edwin and Pinky, and the Capulets and Montagues, is the mere fact that they are neighbors: stop being so fucking pretentious, it’s a joke. All of it. This is why you have no friends, because no one wants to hang around your smug ass, always correcting people. You’re all awfully judgemental for a crowd of people constantly dressed in plaid and corduroy. And would it kill you to swipe on some mascara and lip gloss before you leave the house? It’s probably unclear if I’m talking to the boys or the girls, but really, you could all stand a little makeup.)

Picture from http://jessicacrawford.wordpress.com/

Picture from jessicacrawford.wordpress.com

While they were separated by a fence, Tobergta would not let barriers come between him and Rafferty and, according to the police report the second time around, Edwin stepped out of his house, butt naked, and went straight for Pinky.

He’s a man who knows what he wants, and he just goes for it. Fucking renegade.

young_woman_waving_and_holding_pink_raft_42-16852235

The first time Tobergta had a rendez vous with Rafferty was in 2011, but unfortunately, Pinky’s owner witnessed the love-fest and, being an opressive man hell-bent on killing true love, tried to chase Tobergta away. In a dramatic, last minute runaway attempt, Edwin picked up Pinky and ran away.

561125_10151085092320535_1334457318_n

Sadly, Pinky ended up back in the sadistic hands of Edwin’s neighbor. But Edwin could not be kept away, because on June 17th of this year, he bravely decided to get her back. He charged the property, or walked next door, and was overcome with his consuming desire for Pinky and once more tasted the forbidden pink plastic poon.

Unfortunately, this time, a child witnessed the inflatable intercourse and called the cops. And Pinky and Edwin will now be forced to love each other from opposite sides of bullet proof glass, as Edwin is now locked away in jail for the next year.

Guys, hump whatever inanimate you want, but maybe do it in the privacy of your own home.

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One thought on “Man Arrested for Humping an Inflatable Raft. Caution: Raft Porn Ahead

  1. Well, A Raft is SAFER than a Bee Hive. Or a wasp’s nest. Or… (Maybe I should shut up while I can.)
    As for rafts, well, OF COURSE the pink ones are female. The blue ones are….
    (And with that, I leave before I get into serious trouble.)

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