How Simulated Jerking Off Keeps Me Grounded

Recently, I had an important meeting. Like, the adult kind where you have to be all professional and wear high heels and pretend that you aren’t wearing your sluttiest underwear underneath in the hopes that when you are casually changing into your yoga pants after work, your husband will notice and be all, “Hey, do you fancy a little after work, early evening delight?”.

Also, if you are thinking to yourself, “Does her husband really say, “Do you fancy a little sex?” the answer is: sometimes. Calm-ass Husband went to primary school in England and, even though it resulted in him pronouncing words in a manner that makes us Americans do a double-take (“Jaguar” is “Jag-you-ar” and “Nokia” is “Nah-key-uh”), he is all about politely requesting fancy fuckery. Though he is yet to say, “Do you fancy a fuck?”, I am holding out hope that it’s coming (that’s really a test to see if he is reading this. Tonight will be telling. I’ll report back.)

But you know how they always say, “If you’re nervous, picture the audience naked.”? Well, I don’t do that because I know that my imagination could get things wrong and I need absolutes. I don’t do well in imaginary land. For instance, while most women may fantasize about a celebrity during sex, I fantasize about my husband, but younger. Because I know him personally, and I’ve seen pictures of him in high school, I can fairly accurately piece together what I think he was like. Don’t worry, all you people freaking out about pedophilia, he’s always 18 in my fantasies. Or, if I’m feeling particularly saucy, he’s 16, but we’re back in England, so I’m always keeping it at the age of legal consent.

Sidenote: Before I could have the 16-year-old, England fantasy about my husband, I had to Google, “Age of Consent in England”, which I’m fairly certain has probably flagged me to the US Government.

So, when I’m in important meetings, or speaking to a group of people, I do not picture them naked. I picture them in a way that I’m fairly certain is a reasonable assumption: naked and missionary. It’s a sure bet that most adults have been naked and done it missionary.

Also, if they’re a parent, it is a safe bet that, at any given moment, they or their spouse had jizz dripping out of them throughout the day.

So instead of imagining them naked, imagine dripping jizziness, or at the very least, their o-face in missionary. This is much more effective.

But those in a meeting with me, have full permission to imagine me pantomiming slow-motion jerking off. Because, on this particular day where I had an important meeting, my husband and I were discussing slow sex, like the kind where he is doing it really slowly. And I was making the point that, it must be hard for guys to keep it up during slow sex, because going fast seems to work best. Like, women don’t give slow handjobs, and men don’t typically jerk off slowly. And I felt the need to act out a slow-motion jerk off. Which, I didn’t see, but I wish I could have, because it had to be hilarious, right?

Then later, as I was professionally speaking about a very serious point, in my head, I was thinking, “What if they knew that, just this morning, I was doing a slow-mo jerk-off reenactment?”.

My guess? They would have been way more impressed, because we’re all perverts at heart.

In other news, I apologize that I’ve not been as prolific with the blog updates as usual. The truth is, I’m halfway through writing my first book, which I hope you’ll all love even more than my blog. Updates announced as they come, I promise.


The box below is for thought ejaculation. Think safely.

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