My Birthday List for Calm-ass Husband, Written in a Way He Can Understand

My birthday is next week, I’ll be hrmprh-years old. Calm-ass Husband has repeatedly asked me what I want, so I finally came up with a list.

Calm-ass Husband says things weird sometimes. He’ll say it’s because he grew up in England, but I say he’s been in America long enough to acclimate. If you were to see our conversations phonetically, they’d look like this:

CAH: Look at the Jag-you-are over there, it’s the new model
Me: Huh? You mean that Jagwar?
CAH: Where is the “w” in Jaguar?
Me: There is a “p” in psychologist, but we don’t say psss-ychologist.
CAH: Yeah but that is keeping a letter silent, saying Jagwar is adding an extra “w” that isn’t even there.
Me: We don’t call gwavas, gyou-avas, we say gwava, even though it’s spelled “guava”. How dumb would that sound? “Excuse me, would you like some gyoo-av-a.”

I didn’t say we were having ground-breaking conversations that are solving world problems.

So, I don’t want to start sqyou-awking about this too much, but I want to ensure that he feels confident in his birthday purchases for me. So here we go:

Wiseass Wife’s Hrmprh-th Birthday Wish List:

1. A serene day feeding the ducks – nothing makes me happier than hearing the “qyou-ack, qyou-ack” of those sweet little buggers.


2. A trip to the Caribbean – I’d love to see ig-you-anas in their natyoural habitat


3. A picnic in the park – pack us something delicious and let’s have a picnic. Don’t forget the kumqyou-ats


Oh and some g-you-acamole!


4. Oh and I’d love the DVD box set of the Mod Sqyouad!


5. I want to expand our garden, so perhaps some bat gyouano?


6. And, I am a girl, so something pink and sparkly would be nice – how about some rose qyouartz?


Well hubby, there’s my list 🙂 I hope I’ve made it as easy for you as possible this year.

Love you!




4 thoughts on “My Birthday List for Calm-ass Husband, Written in a Way He Can Understand

  1. No Muh-nie? No Joo-ells? No Chaw coh latte? No hankie pankie? (Oh, wait that is for his birthday!)
    Ok. I go. I take my dirty mind with me. Come brain, come on…..

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