Gaming widows. I’m one of them. This is the time that Calm-ass Husband will abandon the marriage to play hours on-end of a game. He will fill a Costco basket full of so much junk food, you’d think he was preparing for the apocalypse. Then he will play. And play. And play. Only stopping to eat, use the bathroom, and occasionally, sleep. I’m just thankful he’s not peeing into a Dr. Pepper bottle to save time.
TGPMA, or, Temporary Game-Playing Marriage Abandonment, is a serious problem. Especially surrounding the release of a new game. Such as Grand Theft Auto V.
Grand Theft Auto V will turn adult men with well-paying jobs into adolescent boys who depend on their parents. If your husband or boyfriend is anything like mine, he will take a week off of work with the sole intention of spending every extended waking hour playing this game.
By the way, if you are married, or dating, an adult man who does this and does not have a well-paying job, it’s time to re-evaluate your life choices. There has to be some sort of pull that levels out the fact that he spends an inordinate amount of time playing this game. Here is a quick check you can do.
Note: If he’s your husband, he must possess all of Column A and can only possess 1 of Column B. If he’s your boyfriend, the only trait from Column B he can possess is the first. If he possesses any others, run. Run away and never look back.
Important note: You don’t want a guy who ACTS like Don Draper. Or Jesse Pinkman, for that matter. Altough, arguably, Jesse does treat women better than Don Draper. If you can find a guy who looks and dresses like Don Draper, but treats you the way Jesse Pinkman would, then you’re golden. Like a shower (that was for CAH, who I know would have finished it that way in his head. That’s love, bitch). Then again, Jesse does have a tendency to get loaded on meth and have marathon gaming sessions. Hmmm….this might warrant a later post with a side-by-side comparison.
Of course, if you’re on Pinterest at all, then you’ve inevitably seen this little gem floating around:
The only exception to these rules is if you are actually dating Don Draper, AKA Jon Hamm. If you are dating Jon Hamm, he can live in his parents house, playing video games 24/7, and dress like Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad circa season 1, and you should still date him. Have you seen his bulge?
Now that we have that out of the way, you are either ready to set your terms, or you’re packing your bags for greener pastures.
When it comes to setting terms for your time as a Grand Theft Auto V widow, be clear on your objective. Do you want compensation for husband-time lost? Do you want compensation for lost help around the house? Having a clear objective in mind helps you to better prepare for setting your terms.
Once you have your objective in mind, you need to figure out exactly what it is that you want in terms of compensation. Luckily, I have come up with an equation to help you do just that:
1. Take your husband’s salary and convert it to his hourly wage.
2. Take the average number of hours you spend per day in quality time with your husband (be honest, no fair inflating this number).
3. Multiply the average number of hours you spend per day in quality time with your husband, by his hourly wage. You now have your Daily Compensation Dollars (DCD).
4. Now multiply your daily compensation dollars, by the number of days you anticipate your husband will be playing Grand Theft Auto V. You now have your Grand Theft Auto V Compensation Budget (GTACB).
Let’s say your husband’s salary converts to $40/hour. Let’s say that you spend an average of 4 hours of quality time together, per day. 4 x $40 = $160.
$160 is your DCD. Now let’s say your husband wants to play for 5 consecutive days. Your GTACB is $800.
The beauty of this equation is that, the more days your husband plays the game, the more you win. If he wants to pay you less of a GTACB, it’s entirely in his control. He just needs to play less. This is really a win-win solution for all involved.
By the way, TGPMA does not allow for you to get a temporary side-husband. I asked and it almost called off our negotiations, and nearly threatened my stakes. So learn from my mistake – don’t ask for a temporary man-mistress.