The Review of My Wedding Photographer I Wasn’t Allowed to Put on Yelp

Calm-ass Husband keeps me honest. Well, he keeps me socially polite, anyways. Most of the time I’m annoyed on the rare occasions that he makes me be nice, but I’m always grateful in retrospect.

Recently two events prompted me to finally write a review I’ve been dreading: my horrible wedding photographer.

I’ve been thinking about getting some work done to my nose, and finally decided to look into doing it next year. I know, my friends will be like, “What?? Your nose is fine!” Ok, yeah, let’s get this over with now, and then never go through this again:

Yes, my nose is fine. It’s not horrible. It doesn’t have a huge bump or a hook. My septum isn’t deviated. I don’t look like I’m Greek. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Are we done?

My nose is passable. But in my eyes, it’s not what I’d call a Prêt-à-Porter nose. I just need to take it to the nose tailor, if you will, and have it nipped in a pinch to better fit me, k?

Anyways, I was scouring reviews of local nose tailors, when that ever-present, nagging feeling that I’ve had for the past two years hit me: “Review your wedding photographer.” I stuffed it back down. I just wasn’t ready.

Then I logged on to Facebook and saw that my friend Melissa had posted pictures of her wedding; the sting of how long I waited for my wedding photos hit me again, for the umpteenth time (p.s. M – you looked stunning and the boobs were bangin’ in that dress!).

I finally decided to write a review. An honest review. And Calm-ass Husband took one look at that review and said, “Well…you’re not wrong…but….I think it’s better to post this on your blog and not Yelp.”

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Fine, I’ll give him the fact that I accused my wedding photographer of having a sloppy vagina, and those are serious charges to level. But it is true! So we made a deal, I will write a nicer review of her on Yelp, but I get to post the full review on here. So here it is, my sloppy vagina-d wedding photographer:

(Names have been changed to…sigh, because CAH made me)

“I’ve waited 2 years to write this review. Partly because I wanted to make sure that my frustration subsided enough to be fair, and partly because I like Sally as a person, and so was procrastinating.

I engaged Sally and Studio 6:66 Photography about a year and a few months before my wedding. I wanted both engagement and wedding photos. My husband, then fiance, lived in San Luis Obispo (attending grad school), and I was in Sacramento. That’s about a 5 hour drive. We scheduled the engagement photos about 10 months to my wedding date. I took a few days off work and went to SLO. The morning of our shoot, Sally’s husband texted me to say that Sally was having a personal health crisis. I won’t go into detail because it’s personal, but let’s just say that she was having a health issue in her lady tubes. Fair enough, shit happens. I recently had to wean off my beloved Cottonelle wet wipes because I learned that they don’t biodegrade, which means I am now having to SACRIFICE money to install a bidet in one of my bathrooms in order to both be kind to the environment, AND ensure that my Down South Lady Mouth is shiny and sparkly for when it gets a spontaneous visitor (AKA, my husband after a good golf game). So I totally get lady-area issues. We rescheduled and worked it out.

Flash-forward to a week before my wedding: I get an email from Sally with details of scheduling and last minute items for my wedding and, at the end of the email, as if an afterthought, she casually mentions that she is not only pregnant, but a week overdue. Um, what? You wait until a week before my wedding to tell me that you’re not only pregnant, but overdue? Let’s set aside the fact that my deadbeat Maid-of-Honor was a colossal loser when it came to so much as lifting a finger to assist (thanks to her, I had to cancel my own bridal shower), I was also working what should be an illegal amount of hours at a spirit-crushing, employee-soul-mudering factory, and, um, it was a week before my wedding.

I need to take a Evie Garland, Out of this World, break, touch my pointer fingers together, and freeze time so I can stop being polite, and channel the stressed out, anxious bride of two years ago:

Are you FUCKING kidding me? Are you out of your GODDAMN mind? Are you seriously such a fucking clueless jackass that you found it perfectly acceptable to mention to a bride, a week before her wedding, that you are pregnant and overdue? Do you think that, just because I share the same genitals as you, I’m going to nod understandingly, reveling in the miracle of life that you’re about to bring forward, rather than thinking about the fact that there is a high liklihood that amniotic fluid is going to free flow down the fucking aisle of the mission that insisted on metaphorically bending me over and ass-raping me financially for the privelege of getting married there when I’m not Catholic? Well screw you, you fucking naieve asshole. I could care less that you and your hipster husband created a little friction with your nether regions one night when you got drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon while listening to deep cuts of Belle and Sebastian, reminiscing about your hipster college days. And what really pisses me off? What REALLY pisses me off, is that this is the second time your vagina issues have gotten in the way of your managing my engagement and wedding photography. What if I had emailed you after the wedding and said, “Hey, so thanks for photographing my wedding, but while I was sleeping, my vagina went rogue, cleaned out my bank account, and hopped the border to Mexico. So unfortunately, I can’t pay you.” You would be like, “God damn, woman, tell your vagina to get its shit together!”, right?

*And clapping my palms together, restarting time.*

In a panic, I forward my photographer’s email to my wedding planners, who thankfully managed the issue for me by replying to my photographer that this is not acceptable and she has to commit another professional photographer to us for my wedding day. Sidenote: she went into labor on our actual wedding day.

The photographers she got for us made it clear that they were just taking pictures and that Studio 6:66 was editing and sending us final pics. My wedding was in June – I did not get my photos until October. Not even the sneak peak on Facebook that I see my other friends tagged in. The swing photographer finally took pity on us and sent us a few photos so that we had something to show for our day while we were still in the spirit of our wedding.

Bottom line: Sally does not seem to know how to schedule around her vagina. In fact, in regards to organization, her vagina seems quite sloppy. So, as long as she’s not trying to spit out another kid, go for it. But I strongly recommend that you really make sure she’s not in the process of reproducing/gestating when she’s set to do your wedding.”

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2 thoughts on “The Review of My Wedding Photographer I Wasn’t Allowed to Put on Yelp

  1. WoW! What a write-up.
    Did you actually pay for the photog’s services? I would have said, “Here, take me to court!” Or did her lady bits shag-hai you to pre-pay? (Austin Powers “shag”…)

    Well, I can see why, just maybe why, you two are not now best female friends. I take it your femme fatale photog will be ice skating down the main street of Inferno, by the time when you forgive her? And thousands of swine will be winging their way towards bar-b-q’s everywhere?

    Did the photos turn out, at all, by the way?

    Now, we do have to look on the bright side:

    1. You presumably got the man you wanted, or is the poor guy, some luckless, by-stander who happened to be driving by? Is he any good at… well… at whatever you married him for? (Different women get married for different reasons. Being a mere male, I do not understand, but have heard rumors. Our reasons, needs, are much simpler.)

    2. The Bridal Shower does not appear to have been a flaming success… I am sorry to hear that. Was the Bachelor party at least, decent? Do not sit hubby down with a bright light shining into his eyes and submit him to the Spanish Inquisition. ( Description, here: The Spanish Inquisition (“(Keep Feeling) Fascination” by The Human League
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89Xv4mV1BIs ) We guys are not allowed to speak of such sacred things. Merely ask if it went off OK. I know I may seem selfish here, but… Guys worry about such things. Please note that you could perhaps have re-scheduled the Shower….) So if the Bachelor Party was OK, you have 50% there.

    3. Were the Engagement photos at least useful? Please not that to most guys, the word “Engagement”, kinda means something like “We have ‘Engaged’ the Borg.” So, if they were OK, again you have a 50% success rate.

    4. Presumably, the actual Wedding Ceremony, which cost way too much, from an organization that really, (and you should have known this) only worships money, went off OK? See, the ceremony, and not the photos is the important thing. Assuming the licence is valid…. It the ceremony went off OK, well HURRAH! Congrats.

    5. And I TRULY do hope, that the actual marriage is worth-while. Because if you have that, you DO have 100%. I am not trying to be mean or insensitive…. But considering how many marriages today, are a replay of the Asteroid that hit the earth and killed off ALL the Dinosaurs….. A good marriage is a thing of GREAT value.

    Anyhow, I loved your review. It had almost enough venom in it, and I admire your self-restraint. Trust me, you would not want to read MY review. I would have bit in a lot of juicy bits, in both Anglais and Francais (Thought the French part would have all been religious swear words.), and your gentle readers (or rather mine), would have learned some new words and expressions.

    Take care, and best of luck.

  2. Pingback: How Not to Be a Jackass Maid of Honor or Bridesmaid | The Wiseass Wife

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