Many of you may remember my neighbor, a lady I affectionately call Mrs. Cunt Fungus. Mrs. Cunt Fungus is the cunt down the street from me who insists on making snide and passive aggressive comments about my dogs, blissfully unaware of the fact that I will cut a bitch for messing with my dogs.
Well it had been a blissful few months without so much as a peep from Mrs. Cunt Fungus and her life partner, Mrs. Sloppy Slit. Until today.
See, Calm-ass Husband and I recently ordered a small dumpster to clear our house of unneeded stuff. I love days when we get rid of stuff. It’s so cleansing.
But leave it to Cunt Fungus and Sloppy Slit to ruin this beloved time for me.
Calm-ass Husband came home from work early today, to meet a repairman who was coming by to repair our leaky washer. When he pulled up to our house, he found Sloppy Slit in our driveway, looking through our fucking dumpster. She understandably looked shocked, likely expecting that she would get away with her shameless dumpster diving in the middle of the day, in the middle of a work week.
CAH got out of his car and gave her a “WTF?” look, and she went on to say how she is a “recycler,” noticed the stuff we were throwing away, and would like to keep a few things we tossed. CAH, being nice and calm, cleaned the stuff off and gave it to her. Then called me to tell me what happened, betting that I’d have a less rational response.
He was right. He knows me well.
But I decided to be a bigger person and do the rational thing. Not having the contact information for Cunt Fungus and Sloppy Slit, I contacted our HOA, relayed what happened, and expressed my concern over neighbors possibly hurting themselves on broken glass and loose nails if rummaging through our trash. The HOA president responded with an equal level of concern, said she’d contact our property managers, and have them take care of it.
Then I went home, found 6 condoms left over from my and CAH’s days of dating, filled them with Cetaphil face cleanser, and strew them and the wrappers all over the surface of our trash.
So, Cunt Fungus and Sloppy Slit, have fun rifling through my and my husband’s staged night of fun. We made it extra creamy for you.