Dear Chase Bank, Go Geflurg Yourself. #chasefail

Wiseass readers, this is between me and Chase Bank, so don’t read this. It’s private. I just feel it’s the only way to get through to the commie pinko assholes at Chase Bank.

Note to Chase: I am not 100% sure what a “Commie Pinko Asshole” is, but I heard my dad yell it a lot at the TV as a little girl, whenever the news was on. I assume it’s an insult. Or maybe you think it a compliment. That is exactly something that a commie pinko asshole would think.

Hi. I assume you’re here because it was difficult to read the letter in its original format – line by line on Twitter. Here it is in a simpler way.


Dear Chase

The level of my anger at your mismanagement of a simple check order is not how I wanted to start my holidays. It’s hard to express my displeasure to your customer service people & not sound like a gun threat (I’m not).

Being lost in your phone support system is akin to spending all day at Ikea. By the end, I was cranky, confused, and hungry. At least at the end of Ikea, I can buy a plate of delicious french fries. You may not have confusing Swedish words, but your banking rules are just as asinine, you f’ing smörbolls.

I now have two orders of checks, that have not arrived at my door. They could be anywhere. I have a new post man, so for all I know, the old one took them. He’s probably kiting checks cross-country, living the life on my hard-earned dollars.

Your phone support offered to send a 3rd order. I hesitated because, I don’t want the new postman to get ideas from the last one. But before I could weigh-in, I was told that they couldn’t order new ones after all. Because I had verified my address online.

Like your f’ing website prompted me to do.

So there was a waiting period. You fyrkantigs.

I now apparently have to go into the branch to order my checks, for the 3rd time. And your phone support’s only mea culpa? To put a “rush” on my order. The order that was already rushed due to the first round of check cancellations.

Are you kidding me, you dumarsles?

“Rush order” is a no-brainer at this point. It’s not an acceptable offering of apology for this ridiculousness.



Jess, AKA The Wiseass Wife


P.s. I relish the day when I no longer have to pay my 90-something-year-old landlord my rent in check form, and can be done with them forever.