5 Ways Kanye West is Like Hitler

I typically don’t get all “tabloid gossip”-y on here, but Kanye West makes me feel stabby. And lately, the shit that drops out if his mouth makes me think that the best thing that could happen for his Kardshian-let is for Yeezus to go all Yochabed, stick that kid in a basket, and send her up a river so literally any-fucking-one else can find and raise her.

(For the Jesus freaks: yes, I know Moses’s mom’s name was Jochabed, I was sticking with the “y” theme, so calm down, you whiny yunts.)

Granted, I do have a personal beef with Kanye because his song Bound 2 rips on a girl for wearing Forever 21 when she’s 30. So fucking what if I wear Forever 21 in my 30’s? IT’S IN THE FUCKING NAME OF THE STORE, KANYE!

Recently, Cunt-ye compared himself going on stage to police officers in the line of duty, or soldiers at war. Referring to a prop mountain in his act:

“That mountain goes really, really high and, if I slipped … you never know. And I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like ‘Wow, this is like being a police officer or something, in war or something.’”

This made me realize that Kanye loves himself so much, he deserves his own sexual term, which I’m hopeful gets picked up by Urban Dictionary:

Kanye: to love yourself so much, that you give yourself an enema, drink the dirty enema water, and savor the flavor.

Sentence: After Kim Kardashian posted that picture of her post-baby body in a white bathing suit, she was so self-satisfied, she gave herself a Kanye.

Also, for the record, when I Googled “Kanye compares himself to”, this came up:

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I love that “Hitler” is right up there, so here’s my list of how Kanye West is comparable to Hitler:

1. While in prison, Hitler wrote Mercedes and begged for a car loan. Kanye has to beg big brands to do business with him, too.

2. Hitler had chronic flatulence of the butt. Kanye’s mouth clearly suffers the same condition.

3. As a child, Hitler wanted to be a priest. As you can see from my search, Kanye thinks he’s God.

4. Hitler only had one testicle. Kanye has one testicle. (I don’t think that’s true, but pass it around anyways).

5. Hitler used frequent enemas as a medical remedy for ailments. Kanye had a sex act named after him that involves an enema (see above).

But alas, the similarities end there, as Hitler was allegedly an animal lover and the regime even enacted animal protection laws. Cunt-ye wears fur.

So, in some ways, the Fuhrer is better than Kanye.

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RIP Mr. Mac B. Lappy: 2008-2013

My laptop died. My very first nice laptop. I am devastated. DEVASTATED. I have been through hell and back with that laptop. I feel like a pet has passed away. Mr. Lappy has been sick for awhile – it manifested with a strange white line that went through the screen. But I discovered that if I pinched Lappy in just the right way, the line would go away. So I blissfully went along this way, ignorant to the fact that “White Lining” is apparently the computer equivalent of “flatlining”.

And of course Lappy died right before Christmas, when money needs to go to things that I *want*, not that I *need*. Why can’t I have unlimited funds to buy frivolous things? And why can’t I have a fainting couch to throw myself onto when I utter such dramatic questions? If the vapors were still around, like I’d like them to be, I’d be so distraught that I’d definitely take to bed with the vapors.

It is truly times like these that make me rethink the “Sugar Daddy” thing. Especially when, this time of year, all I hear from Calm-ass Husband are things like, “Wife! You spend too much money!” and, “Stop walking away from me when I’m trying to talk to you about your spending habits!”. But Calm-ass Husband gets even crankier when I talk about dating other people. He’s such a dictator. I’m basically living with Kim Jong Un.

To honor Lappy’s memory, here are my five favorite moments with Lappy. Please imagine “I Will Remember You” by Sarah MacLachlan* playing in the background:

* I know it’s spelled “Sarah McLachlan.” I changed her name as a tribute to Lappy.

1. Before meeting Calm-ass Husband: countless IM chats with random strangers I met on Craigslist.
2. First dating CAH: using Photobooth to take and send him half-naked selfies right after telling him “no sex until the 5th date.”
3. The 5th date with CAH: playing my “sexy time playlist” on iTunes, which I barely managed to pull together since, after telling him “no sex til the 5th date,” he took me out every night, 5 nights in a row.
4. Saying “I love you” to CAH for the first time: Yup – it was by Google Chat. He totally tricked me into saying it, knowing I was drunk.
5. WiseassWife.com: The countless blog posts I’ve written for this site.

You’ve been good to me Lappy, I will miss you. Know it will take me a long time to bond to your successor, Mrs. Mac B. Airy. Or Mr. Mac B. Pro. We’ve not yet decided. It’s too painful to think about.