How Not to Be a Jackass Maid of Honor or Bridesmaid

I don’t talk weddings often, God knows there’s plenty of stuff out there about weddings. I did post the review of my wedding photographer that I wasn’t allowed to put on Yelp, as well as the spoiler alert on life after your wedding. Hell, one time I even took a serious turn (shudder), and wrote my 5 Things Every New Husband Should Know article. I was on my 4th glass of merlot when that hit, I promise I won’t get serious too often.

But I feel compelled to talk about Maid of Honors and bridesmaids because my lovely Maid of Honor was recently featured in Brides.com’s article Maid of Honor Horror Stories; my story is the first one from “Sandra,” they changed my name. I honestly didn’t care if they used both of our real names, but Brides.com is clearly more classy than I.

Unfortunately, these types of stories are way too common. It’s the bride’s big day, and it is overshadowed by some narcissistic asshole Maid of Honor or bridesmaid (or sometimes even mother of the bride/groom) who seems to forget that the day is in no way about her. At all. No matter what. Ever.

So here it is ladies, how not to be a jackass Maid of Honor or Bridesmaid on her wedding day:

1. The word “I” (or any possessive noun) should not leave your mouth, unless “you” is a few words behind it, and the in-between words are positive. Example:

Do: I am so happy that you are finally having your beautiful day.
Don’t: I hooked up with your fiance’s father last night, so things are going to be super awkward today. Just an FYI.

2. No matter what’s going on that day, all the bride needs to be informed of are pertinent, positive things related to getting her down the aisle. I don’t care if you woke up the morning of the wedding and found out that your boyfriend was murdered by a gang of Nazi ninjas. In that scenario, you have two options:

a. Woman up, shut up, and carry on with the day as if everything is fine. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, utter a word about finding your boyfriend laying in bed with a katana still sticking out of his chest to the bride. She does not need to hear anything about it until she gets back from her honeymoon.

b. If you can’t carry on with the day as if everything is fine (and seriously, the only scenario where that is even acceptable is one comparable to finding your impaled boyfriend in bed), you quietly take aside the Maid of Honor, another bridesmaid, the mother of the bride, or the wedding planner, let them know that you have to deal with your murdered boyfriend and cannot pull yourself together, and then decide on the best course of action. DO NOT burden the bride with your drama, it is her day and she doesn’t need to deal with your shit. Period.

3. Don’t be a jealous dick. Don’t let your jealousy over wanting your own big day get in the way of her big day. Know that your day is coming, maybe, if you learn how to not act like a selfish dick. Even then, your big day is coming, but chances are good that you will marry another dick, like yourself. Dick begets dick. So make everyone happy and just stop being a dick.

4. Be nice to the rest of the wedding party, no matter how much you dislike/are annoyed by/are sick of any of them. My MOH had to be separated from one of my bridesmaids because she was being a downright bitch to her. And my bridesmaid, who any other day of the week would have told my MOH exactly where she could stick her bitchy comments, politely mentioned it to my mom, who wisely devised a way to keep the two separate. But seriously? Are we in fucking kindergarten? Be an adult, you classless asshole.

5. Know that, no matter how much you are making the day about yourself and pissing off the bride, she’s probably not going to tell you, so don’t take her silence, or her humoring you, as a sign that what you’re doing is OK. My MOH had managed to piss off most of my wedding party by about 11am on the day of my wedding. I didn’t say a word to her, not because I was ok with it, but because the last thing I wanted on such a busy day was to get into an argument. Most brides will let it go for the sake of not having a big conflict on their big day, but know that in their head, they’re secretly stabbing you. Repeatedly.

6. When all else fails, do not let any other phrases, but the following, escape your mouth for the entire day:

  • Oh my God, you look stunning.
  • I am so happy to see you so happy.
  • Can I get you anything at all?
  • Do you need me to hold your dress while you pee?
  • Thank you for inviting me to be such a big part of your day, I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Note: should you find yourself even THINKING about doing any of the above things I told you not to do, you should consider the fact that you are, in fact, a drama queen. Work on that shit. No one likes a drama queen. You ladies are exhausting.

Ladies, it’s not that difficult. Really, it can all be summed up with this:

This day is not about you.

Don’t be the jackass that the rest of the wedding party holds up as an example of what not to do for the rest of their lives.

How Not to Be a Jackass Maid of Honor or Bridesmaid

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